Never one to fight shy of the autobiographical, Woody Allen's latest film stars Lenny, another nervy, nerdy intellectual, struggling with cultural and moral questions of adoption. Married to art dealer Amanda (Helena Bonham Carter, above), Lenny explores the biology behind their adopted wunderkind only to discover that Max's real mum is none other than fluffy porn star Judy Cum. Mira Sorvino only grabbed a part at a second audition - a close call for Allen, since the Oscar-winning tart-with-a-heart is the best thing about it.
CONTEMPORARY PRINT SHOW
Last year, the Concourse Gallery invited more than 30,000 visitors to come up and see their etchings, lithiographs, monotypes and screen prints. Today sees the start of the half art fair, half exhibition, showcasing work by artists including Adrian Wiszniewski's New Leafland (above right), and Bird Woman Playing, a sinister fairytale etching by Paula Rego. This isn't Athena, so prints start at pounds 50 and go up to pounds 5,000 plus.
Concourse Gallery, Barbican, Silk St, London EC2 (0171-638 4141) to 22 Apr
Two years ago, the so-called "Hecklers" attempted to boo Harrison Birtwistle's opera Gawain off the stage. Since then, the 61-year-old knight has gone from being a slightly recherche member of the avant-garde to being an accepted member of Britain's classical music mainstream. And now he gets his second retrospective on the South Bank. With hecklers like that, who needs supporters?
RFH, London (0171-960 4242) to 4 May
When men are the object of a "desiring female gaze" they generally start cracking jokes and jangling their keys, but choreographer Claire Russ's new dance piece offers a more subtle description of this process. Her sexy ensemble piece has boys performing near-naked (left) while scrutinised by a pair of shadowy women, who melt at will into a camouflaged set.
The Place, 17 Duke's Rd, London WC1 (0171-387 0031) 8pm to Sat pounds 8/pounds 6
THIS IS MY BODY... THIS IS MY SOFTWARE
Just when you thought you'd seen it all, along comes the French multimedia performer Orlan, who "dares to exert a domination over her own body by using cosmetic surgery for purposes that are not in line with conventional standards". In other words, she has herself cut and spliced and records the process in photos and on video as art. Tonight, Orlan will present an illustrated lecture followed by panel discussion at University of Northumbria (6-7.30pm, pounds 3).
Zone Gallery, 83 Westgate Rd, Newcastle NE1 (0191-232 8833) to 26 May
WAITING FOR GODOT
It's that time of year again. The days are getting longer, lambs are leaping, and the gloom of winter is lifting. Just the right time for Britain's theatre directors to hit us with a bit of existential gloom and doom from Samuel Beckett. In London, that means a new production of Endgame; while in Manchester it's time to wait for the mysterious Monsieur Godot again. Part of the ever-impressive Contact Theatre's "Fundamental Continental Season".
Contact Theatre, Oxford Rd, Manchester (0161-274 4400) 7.30pm, pounds 8.50
If Isambard Kingdom Brunel were growing up in the 1990s, this is where he'd start. Croydon Clocktower's latest event, which aims to give children an insight into design, encourages seven- to nine-year-olds to build scale models of their designs.
Katherine St, Croydon (0181-253 1030) 11am-1pm
The National Gallery's magnificent painting by El Greco, Christ Driving the Traders from the Temple (above), comes to Aberdeen, and is shown beside pictures from Aberdeen's permanent collection that illuminate the master's work.
Aberdeen Art Gallery (01224 646333) to 27 May, free
There's more to Sibelius than Finlandia. A rare chance to hear the seven symphonies that the Finnish composer completed before drink dried up his creative juices and killed him in 1957. Played by the Gothenburg Symphony Orchestra under the Estonian Neeme Jarvi, this cycle has Nordic authenticity written all over it. A programme of talks supplements 's performances.
Barbican Hall, Silk St, London EC2 (0171-638 8891) 4pm and 8pm
If you thought Sigourney Weaver's haircut was scary, get a load of the new virtual reality ride which threatens to whizz you on a space trip "at the speed of fright". Packed with Hollywood SFX, the ride plonks you in your own armoured personnel carrier, presided over by the Queen Alien herself, 25ft of rippling steel and over-protective maternal feelings.
Granada Studios, Manchester (0161-832 4999) 9.45am-4pm, pounds 12.99, 5-11 yr olds pounds 8.99, under-5s free
The original sound of malcontent Yank Rock, with a dozen avant-punk albums to prove it. To judge by last year's Washing Machine, time hasn't mellowed their instincts for great splurges of melancholic noise.
Glasgow Barrowlands (0131-557 6969)
Gentlemanly archery, royal falconry, fastidious fly-fishing, ferrets, terrier racing and an old-fashioned funfair.
Shugborough, Milford, nr Stafford (01889 881323) 10am-5pm, pounds 5, under- 15s free
MAID MARIAN AND HER MERRY MEN
Tony Robinson, best known as Blackadder's hopeless sidekick, directs and stars in the premiere of a new musical which takes a distinctly revisionist look at one of the good ol' gals of English history. Transporting the audience to 1193, the musical shows a feisty Marian fighting the evil forces of Norman nastiness while Robin Hood washes his newly made flares. Apparently Marian didn't have any truck with reedy piping either, prefering to strut her stuff to a funky mix of hip-hop, rap and techno.
Bristol Old Vic, King St, Bristol BS1 (0117 987 7877) 7.30pm pounds 5-pounds 17.50
John Moloney doesn't have a catchy name or an aggressive angle to his act. In fact, he's too self-effacing by half. But, whether playing the guitar and singing silly songs or giving the lowdown on snogging, the former teacher from Balham has the kind of quiet class and professionalism that even a few trendier contemporaries could learn from. And at pounds 3 a ticket, too. Also worth catching is Stu Who?, the hardnut Scottish stand- up veteran, still easing his way back after what seems like years away from the comedy scene.
Hackney Empire, London E8 (0181-985 2424) 9pm, pounds 3/pounds 2
Girl rock from the alternative Canadian grunge singer-songwriter who is currently touring her bestselling acclaimed album Jagged Little Pill. To her champions, Morrissette represents that "alternative" rock can offer; to her detractors, she is over-rated, too self-conscious to be genuinely quirky, and seriously in danger of disappearing up her own fundament. Only her second album will reveal whether she's got staying power. But you can make up your mind tonight.
Empire, Shepherd's Bush Green, London W12 (0181-740 7474) 7pm
Many lesser writers would have branded the First World War hackneyed. But Pat Barker has shown that Flanders fields are still fertile ground for the creative imagination. Her Regeneration trilogy dabbled in anthropology, psychiatry and the vagaries of human sexuality, placing them all against the background of the war to end all wars. Here she reads from the final part, The Ghost Road, the novel that won her the Booker Prize last year. Jane Gardam supports.
Waterstones, 28/29 Ousegate, York (01904 628740) 7pm
ROCK THE VOTE
He is Alan Partridge. Of that there is no doubt: but do you remember when Steve Coogan was just another jobbing Spitting Image impressionist, working the boards with erstwhile partner John Thomson? Rock the Vote - the cross-party campaign to encourage people to register to vote has coaxed Coogan into making a rare stand-up appearance in Cambridge. With Eddie Izzard as host, the message is loud and clear: politics doesn't have to be dull.
Corn Exchange, Wheeler Street, Cambridge (01223 357851) 7.30pm
He may not be a Goodie any more, but Tim Brooke-Taylor's not adverse to the odd good cause, and tonight he's hosting a private view, sale and auction of sporting cartoons in aid of the charity Sparks, an outfit dedicated to raising money for pioneering medical research for kids. Following a champagne cocktail reception, doodles by top cartoonists such as Matt, Jak, Bill Tidy and Willy Rushton will be up for grabs. Sport and showbiz celebs will be on hand to provide the glitz.
The Mall Galleries, The Mall, London SW1, tickets pounds 10 (must be bought in advance, 0171-931 8899)
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
Ever been really engrossed in a show only to be bitterly disappointed by the ending? Well, here's a chance to avoid such narrative perils. Semblance's radical production (below) tells the story of a boxer asked to take a dive and lets you, the audience decide whether his tale should have a happy or sad outcome. Music comes courtesy of ultra-cool performance artist Baby Bird.
BAC, London SW11 (0171-223 2223) 7.30pm, pay what you can
A drinker and Bohemian, Deakin's career was nurtured by Vogue and Francis Bacon. In his short but prolific post-war career, he turned out unmannered portraits of the likes of Dylan Thomas and W H Auden. Best of all are the studies of artist friends such as Picasso (below) and Lucien Freud.
National Portrait Gallery, London WC2 (0171-306 0055) 10am-6pm, free
DEREK JARMAN TRIBUTE
When Derek Jarman died, Britain lost one of its brightest, wittiest and most innovative film-makers. From early punkish Super-8s to videos for the Pet Shop Boys, Jarman eschewed gay dogma, carving out instead an intensely personal and painterly film aesthetic. Tonight there's a chance to see his imagined biopic of Italian Renaissance painter Caravaggio, a stunningly beautiful film which tells a story of the artist's life through a series of staged tableaux. Lush, political and tinged with Jarman's ribald humour.
Chapter Arts, Market Rd, Canton, Cardiff CF5 (01222 399666) 8pm
This is Springsteen with his Dylan boots on, one man and his harmonica against the world. On a high after his acoustic album The Ghost of Tom Joad, Springsteen seems to have entered a newly restrained, politically austere phase. But he's none the worse for that. There's something wonderful about watching him try to keep the lid on so much passion.
Royal Albert Hall, London SW7 (0171-589 8212) 8pm
The whimsical and thoughtfully myopic poet gives an informal, deadpan reading of his works, championing the rights of speccies everywhere.
BAC, London SW11 (0171-223 5063) 8pm, to 21 Apr (not Mons, pay what you can Tues)
A well-polished gang drawn from theatre, TV and film, this slick, seven- man comedy team throws up a cast of smug boyfriends, acrylic daytime telly hosts and terrorised teachers in a compilation of their best sketches. A blend of streetwise gags and impressions crosses the cultural divide while providing an indictment of racism and sexual stereotyping.
Belgrade, Coventry (01203 553055) 8pm
Forty years on, the opening night of Julian Slade's featherlight 1950s musical, featuring Kit and the Widow. The show ran for more than five and a half years when it first hit the West End, and fans will be able to hum along to old favourites such as "We Said We Shouldn't Look Back" and "Oh, Look At Me".
Vaudeville, The Strand, London WC2 (0171-836 9987) pounds 10-pounds 27.50, Mon-Sat 8pm (7pm tonight only)
LES GRANDS BALLETS CANADIENS
A mixed programme of work including the brand new and eagerly awaited Quincunx by Mark Morris, plus works by Hans van Manen, Jose Limon and Jiri Kylian.
Sadler's Wells, Rosebery Ave, London EC1 (0171-713 6000) to 20 Apr, pounds 7.50- pounds 17.50Reuse content