A half-century of jolly conundrums for Christmas
Are we going to accept that invitation from the Wilgoes to drinks on the 23rd?
Tuesday 15 December 1998
1. Lord, is it December already?
2. Have we ordered a turkey?
3. You remember what happened last year?
4. Or was it the year before?
5. We don't want to have that happening again, do we?
6. When are we going to get the Christmas tree?
7. You remember what happened last year?
8. When you left it to Christmas Eve?
9. And all the trees had gone?
10. Except for a few about two feet high?
11. And you bought one so small that you put it on the table and said: "Table-top trees are all the rage this year"?
12. And it fell off the table 15 times over Christmas?
13. Pulling the lights out of the socket and shorting the electrics each time?
14. Which reminds me, have we got the tree lights out again this year?
15. What do you mean, you can't remember where you put them?
16. Well, I think we ought to get them out and test them, don't you?
17. Incidentally, are we going to have a Christmas card session soon?
18. Well, are we going to send any this year?
19. Didn't you say that last year?
20. You remember, you said that you weren't going to send any this year, and then you relented and said you ought to send some after all and by that time it was 23 December, which was far too late, but oh no, you would insist on sending loads out even though you knew they wouldn't arrive anywhere until after Christmas, and, in the case of our Australian friends, the New Year...?
21. Which reminds me, are we going to accept that invitation from the Wilgoes to drinks on the 23rd?
22. No, not the 22nd, I think it was the 23rd, wasn't it?
23. Where have you put the invitation?
24. I gave it to you, didn't I?
25. Never mind - were there any cards in the post this morning?
26. Oh, who was it from?
27. What do you mean, you've no idea who it's from?
28. Isn't there a name inside?
29. What do you mean, there are 17 names written inside?
30. And you don't know any of them?
31. Why not read the names out?
32. Who's Terry?
33. Who's Tracey?
34. Who's Ken and Barry and Liz and Jenny and Oscar... ?
35. Hold on, I don't think we know any of these people at all - isn't this one of those office cards where everyone sits round and signs their names and they all get shot off to clients, or in our case, people who used to be clients?
36. Why on earth do they bother?
37. Incidentally, have we got any crackers yet?
38. You remember what happened last year?
39. When we left it so late we never got any?
40. And you found that old box of crackers in the cellar?
41. And produced them triumphantly on Christmas Day?
42. And they were so old, that none of them made a bang?
43. And all the gifts inside the crackers were indoor fireworks, which were so far past their sell-by date that they either didn't go off or exploded dangerously?
44. And all the jokes in the crackers were so old that half were incomprehensible and the other half actionable under the Race Relations Act?
45. Incidentally, have you got anything for making mulled wine with?
46. You remember what happened last year, don't you?
47. When we suddenly decided to make some hot spicy wine?
48. And the only kit we could find was at the back of the kitchen cupboard?
49. And the Best Before date was December 1993?
50. And you said, "Well, let's try it anyway - it can't have gone off that much..." but it had?
Etc, etc, etc.
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