A-levels are for snobs. Try our dimbo-friendly alternative

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The Independent Culture
HEAD FACILITATORS! Has your school been forced down the A-level league table yet again this year? Were your results once more distorted by the elitist and discriminatory examining practices of the so-called educational system? After students have been crammed for exams, laboratory scans have shown that their brains are as bloated and discoloured as the livers of force-fed geese. We don't impose our Western attitudes on Africa any more, so why do we treat our own children like that?

Subscribe to the Carrford and Carrbridge Examination Board. We provide a modern, relevant evaluation system to incentivise full participation in a multi-ability society.

ENGLISH LITERATURE

Answer all questions.

l When you made a comparative study of the three videos of Macbeth, how much shorter do you think a qualified film editor could have made them?

l It is now generally accepted that Beowulf is the sexist creation of an inadequate fantasist. In how many ways do you see attitudes like his affecting women in television (with special reference to Australian soap opera) today?

(This paper carries a partial credit for maths.)

PHYSICS

Answer one question only.

Either: What expression is given for the main energy of monatomic ideal gas molecules of mass m at a thermodynamic temperature T?

Or: The mechanics of atomic fission have been covered in detail in your coursework. This knowledge is sufficient to construct a small explosive nuclear device. You wouldn't do anything like that, would you?

ITALIAN

Answer one question only.

Either: Leggete l'articolo e decidete se queste frasi sono vere o false:

a) A St Moritz e vietato l'accesso alle macchine

b) Una camera singola all'ostello "Stille" costa 13 franchini.

c) Il prezzo indicato per l'ostello "Stille" comprende tutti i pasti.

Or: Pizza with too much of that round, stinky meat really sucks.

Discuss.

ART

Answer all questions.

l "Much of Mannerism is a conscious artistic revolt against the qualities that are summarised in Raphael."

Does this statement:

a) suck?

b) rock?

l Tintoretto sought to combine Titian's colour with Michelangelo's drawing. In what ways do Bob and Vic share the same relationship with Rik and Viv?

l Devise a Nintendo game based on The Death of Chatterton.

MATHS

(Optional)

What is the longest number in the world:

a) the value of pi?

b) the number describing all the atoms in the universe?

c) whatever.

GENERAL CULTURE

Answer one question only, if you feel it's necessary.

l Elizabeth Bennet, Cleopatra and Catwoman: develop a cage dancing routine to express their special qualities.

l How many ways have those bastards killed Kenny?

l Some people get quite tearful during "Touched by an Angel" Why is that?

l Getting snogged up: how soon is too soon?

l Is history bunk? If so, what about that geography?

PHILOSOPHY

Either: Is it a funny old world?

Or: It's a funny sort of day isn't it? Neither one thing nor the other.

Discuss for 40 minutes.

Or: You never know, do you? Or do you?

THE FOODCHUTE PAPER

(This paper is sponsored by Foodchute, the friendly supermarket, where every little costs less.)

l If Coke is specialed with 25 per cent off a four-pack crowd-pleaser, how many should loyalty-card holders buy?

l If you eat a whole 48-unit multipack of bacon bits every day for a year, what coping strategies (kaftans, for instance) would you recommend?

l Are shoplifters misunderstood victims of a wider culture of theft? Or are they vermin?

l Would you like a job as a cashier?

Miles Kington is on holiday

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