A meeting of monarchs on the sea coast of Pretoria
Thursday 14 January 1999
An airport, South Africa. King Tony emerges from the aircraft, followed by scribblers, hacks, media lackeys and sundry hangers-on. There comes to meet them King Nelson Mandela of South Africa, with courtiers.
King Nelson: Welcome, King Tony, thrice welcome
to our shores!
Although you English have o'ercome our men,
And beaten us in bloody fearful combat,
Yet I forgive your prowess on the field!
King Tony: Victory in battle? This comes as news
(Aside.) If Mandelson were here, he'd know the
Alas! He shall advise me nevermore!
A newspaper hack steps forward from the crowd. Hack: Your Majesty, I think the King refers
To certain cricket matches played last year
In which the English beat the Springbok side.
Nelson: Spot on! You've got it right! For you must
know That I now take a great new pride in sport
Which is the passport to my people's hearts,
At least if they are white, I mean to say.
My black South Africans could not care less,
Except for soccer, which they seem to love.
I only wish my black footballing team
Was half as good as our white rugby boys!
So, how are things at home?
Tony: Oh, fine, fine, fine!
Nelson: Then there's no truth at all in what I read
Of sleaze and cronyism, Cabinet splits...?
Tony: These are the little things which come to
Above which we should always rise care-free,
Leaving us time to face the real tasks,
Of health and schools and roads et cetera.
Our plan is now in place and we have done
Two thirds of what we pledged ourselves to do!
Let us be judged by what we have achieved
And not what petty tabloids have believed!
There appears to King Tony the spirit of Mandelson, which only he can see.
Spirit: Oh Tony, Tony, waste not time on this!
They do not want the health and schools routine! That's all for home consumption. While you're here,
Make friends with old man Nelson - he can help
With Libya, Lockerbie and all that,
And that would be a great PR coup for you!
But King Nelson is an ageing man
And not long for this world: see if you can
Discover his successor and make friends.
Yet do it quick! He looks not well to me.
The spirit of Mandelson vanishes.
Tony: Oh, stay, imperfect spirit, stay and say
What things await me on my coming home!
This book by Duke Cook's wife - does it contain
Much matter to my future loss or gain?
The spirit of Mandelson returns, looking flustered. Spirit: Look, sweetie, I can't keep on doing this -
These international visions cost the earth!
But since I've got another minute more,
Yes, I have read Madame Cook's little oeuvre.
She moans a lot, and says that Cook hates Brown.
But so we all do, dear, what's new there?
I'd forget about the book if I were you...
Now fly I home to rebuild my career!
The Duke of Prescott has it in for me, I fear!
The spirit of Mandelson vanishes for a second time.
Nelson: King Tony, tho' you seem lost in thought,
Present to you th'Archbishop, Desmond Tutu?
Tony: Et Tutu, Brute?
Tutu: What's that?
Nelson: I didn't catch... The spirit of Mandelson reappears, looking hot and bothered.
Spirit: Tony, are you affected by the baking
weather? For God's sake man, just pull yourself together! The spirit vanishes for the final time. Exit all, looking thoughtful, save for the newspaper hack.
Hack: King Tony's looking more than a little frail... I think I'll try that on the Daily Mail.
Exit, looking for a phone.
More of this anon, sweet gentles.
tv Review: Miranda Hart and co deliver the festive goods
tvReview: Older generation get hot under the collar this Christmas
comedy Erm...he seems to be back
tvReview: No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa
tv Gymnast Louis Smith triumphed in the Christmas special
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 The Boy in the Dress, TV review: David Walliams' Boxing Day treat is a celebration of being different
- 2 Exclusive: Abusers using spyware apps to monitor partners reaches 'epidemic proportions'
- 3 Andy Murray takes to Twitter to show off his Christmas jumper
- 4 Margaret Thatcher 'expressed fears of Asian rising' at Anglo-Irish summit in 1984
- 5 Katie Hopkins speaks out on childhood obesity: 'Parents of fat children should be prosecuted for child cruelty'
Downton Abbey Christmas special 2014, review: Love is everywhere, actually
The Boy in the Dress, TV review: David Walliams' Boxing Day treat is a celebration of being different
Madonna Rebel Heart: Pharrell Williams collaboration and 13 more songs leaked
Vagina canoe artist defends herself over ‘obscenity’ charges
Doctor Who Christmas special, review: No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa
British actor Idris Elba cannot star as James Bond because he is black, says shock jock Rush Limbaugh
Rozanne Duncan: Ukip expels councillor for 'jaw-dropping' comments made in BBC TV interview
Germany anti-Islam protests: 17,000 march on Dresden against 'Islamification of the West'
Ukip member gets into Christmas spirit with Union Flag plea to Santa 'for our country back'
BBC director Danny Cohen: Rising UK antisemitism makes me feel more uncomfortable than ever
Katie Hopkins speaks out on childhood obesity: 'Parents of fat children should be prosecuted for child cruelty'