What do you want to know about the terrible mink threat?
I want to know how how terrible it is.
It's really terrible.
It's really, really terrible. Hordes of minks, with sharp fangs and blood- lust, are spreading out along the waterways of this country, exterminating native life wherever they go. And they all come from one small farm somewhere in the New Forest, all these thousands and thousands of savage little murderous creatures, with death in their hearts and the "Horst Wessel Song" on their lips...
That's better. That's much more scary. How will I recognise them?
Because they will come swaggering along the footpath towards you, pushing you out of their way, perhaps robbing you of your petty cash, and slashing at you and your car tyres with their sharp teeth if you resist. They will insult you and say, "Try to turn us into little fur wraps, would you? Have another think, cully!" They have foul breath and bad personal habits and their only redeeming feature, if it can be called that, is a fondness for the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber .
Why are they so foul?
Because they have grown up on a mink farm. Do not be misled by the word "farm". We are not talking about bucolic idylls. Farms today are more like prisons or concentration camps. At best, they are like a very run- down and out of control housing estate. These minks have known no other life but hardship, crime and deprivation. They lounge about in twos and threes, planning more petty crime and vandalism. They especially hate animal rights supporters, rather as delinquents hate social workers. Minks are the underclass of the natural world.
Gosh! That is even more scary than I had hoped! Do they also hate the water vole?
They couldn't give a monkey's for the water vole. To them, the water vole is just another middle class, Observer-reading victim for slaughter. Does anyone actually hate the Liberal Democrats? The water voles are the Lib Dems of the river bank.
Are the minks bent on world domination, then?
No. They do not have the imagination. They just want their share. They are like any exotic species which is imported into a place without natural enemies, and runs amok, breeding, spreading and taking over.
Are you thinking of the rabbit in Australia? Or the rhododendron on National Trust properties?
I was thinking of the Anglo-Saxon invasion of Britain, actually. With mink-like savagery the Saxon race spread through the island, displacing the British inhabitants mercilessly.
Gosh! What happened to those poor people?
They fled to the Welsh hills and became the Welsh.
How awful for them!
Do not feel sorry for the Welsh. The Welsh no doubt kicked someone else out when they first got to Wales. The Irish, perhaps. When the water voles first arrived, no doubt they exterminated some harmless lizard.
Or drove them into Wales, perhaps.
Perhaps. The point is that the mink is here and now.
What about New Labour?
Yes, they are here and now, too. New Labour came flooding into the country, exterminating the Tory vote and driving Conservatives westward into the shires...
No, I really meant, what does New Labour think about the mink threat?
Nothing. The mink have no vote and need not be courted. On the other hand, they cannot be hunted, because New Labour is against hunting. If anything, New Labour is pro-mink, because the Countryside Marchers say they alone understand the countryside, so New Labour is waiting to see if the Countryside people can handle their own mink problem.
Do you think It was New Labour activists who liberated the mink then? New Labour, New Forest?
New Hampshire, New England?
So what is the best way to deal with minks?
The best way to exterminate them? Kill them? Wipe them out completely?
Er, yes, I suppose so.
Get them round to dinner at Toad's place. Give them a slap-up meal. Then, when the party's at its height, burst in and massacre them.
I will try that. Thank you very much.
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