A preview of my next four columns

DO I write to you? No. You can sleep easy in your beds, knowing for sure that, come the morning, your doormat will not be disfigured by the mephitic squelch of a letter from me, criticising the way you write software, pull teeth, manage the imbecilic workforce in your dodgy business, preach sermons, negotiate settlements, teach maths, can peaches, restore sofas ... cor blimey what a lot of things there are for people to do, innit? (Here's a handy hint: next time you get bored with your meaningless, repetitive life, just reach for a copy of the Yellow Pages and browse through the index. It's startling, the things people do to put a crust on the table, the poor buggers. One wonders what historians of the future - I mean future historians, not historians who study the future, though I bet they've got them, too, in America - would make of it. A pig's ear, probably. They get all the details wrong, and don't talk to me about primary sources; at least 50 per cent of all my notes, account-books and memoranda are deliberately false or, at the least, misleading, and as for my letters ... Ah.)

Yes. Letters. I don't write to you, but you write to me. I had a real porker the other morning (do I mean "corker"? No; "porker" is better): three pages of closely-written holograph denouncing me, my attitudes, my racism, sexism, arrogance, stupidity and nastiness. I was (the writer observed) old, fat and lecherous. My hair was a mess and my eyes pointed in different directions. I had a nasty venal look about my mouth. The writer claimed to have met a woman I once went out with, and I was a bastard who had ruined her life. But the final straw (she said) was that she never knew what I was going to write about next, except that it would be "repetitive, mawkish, and stuffed with Latin and other unnecessary showings-off".

We can't have that. There's nothing I can do about the other stuff except resign, get liposuction and die, but this one I can fix. Here, specially for Ms F--- C---- of A---- Street, London S--, are a few trailers for coming attractions.

30 May 1999: ... colossal explosion and before I knew it she had torn off all her clothes and ... small puddle on the immaculate parquet floor, despite everything Tony Blair claims to stand for ... bearded twat with a mouth like a rodent's privities ... nothing to learn from Guyana ... articulation of Bach's early chorale preludes quite out of keeping with modern "authentic" performance style ... leather-clad dominatrix ... don't talk to me about fettucini.

6 June 1999: ... timeless ruins ... marmorial but somehow evanescent ... postmodernism ... very street in which I was once so happy ... psychic wound far back in early childhood ... pat of butter smack in the face, right under the eyes of a traffic warden ... the finest panama hats, of course, being Monte Cristi superfine ... flipped her over without warning and ... tiny oleaginous room- service waiter clutching a bottle of turps and a shaving-brush ... "But you can't have a view of the Acropolis in Rome," he snarled ... voluptuous curves and the scent of coumarine and ambergris ... eggs Benedict ... innovative mathematical model of binary star-systems, which he sold to the ... sodomising a dugong ... unsatisfactory conclusion ... Tony Blair's fault.

13 June 1999: ... shuddering descent into Heathrow ... whiny-voiced proletariat ... nylon leisurewear ... pall of dirty yellow haze ... think air-conditioning had never been invented ... how would it be if everyone did it ... all right for some ... Cassius Dio, I think it was, said that ... immaculately cut Solaro cloth suit ... flashing-eyed beauty with a secretive smile ... actually buys Richard Clayderman, except the Chinese, who know no better ... four-poster bed with shackles at each corner ... John Donne's The Good Morrow ... pat of butter smack in the face ... the grey London dawn ... rid ourselves of little Mr Blair once and for all ... angry and inflamed ... dispossessed and disenfranchised ... GP's surgery ... lotion ...

20 June 1999: ... illusions of childhood, or is it just me? ... sand in the ice-cream cone ... ferry clanking across the bay on its chains ... poor Dylan Thomas ... fat git ... white bread, of course, the only way to clean a Monte Cristi ... smell of turpentine ... psychic wound ... only find them in Essex (I think the word is "scrannet") ... immaculately cut Solaro cloth suit ... pat of butter smack in the face ... looked like it had cleared up, but then I noticed a ... hell Blair thinks he's doing ... flashing-eyed beauty with a secretive smile ... suppose they think it's clever ... "let you know," but she never did.

There. Now you know what to expect. Repetitive and mawkish? I think not. Res, as they say, ipsa loquitur.

Arts and Entertainment
Britain's Got Talent judges: Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and David Walliams

TV
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Matthew Healy of The 1975 performing on the Pyramid Stage at the Glastonbury Festival, at Worthy Farm in Somerset

music
Arts and Entertainment
booksThe Withnail and I creator, has a new theory about killer's identity
Arts and Entertainment
tvDick Clement and Ian La Frenais are back for the first time in a decade
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Emilia Clarke could have been Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey but passed it up because of the nude scenes

film
Arts and Entertainment
A$AP Rocky and Rita Ora pictured together in 2012

music
Arts and Entertainment
A case for Mulder and Scully? David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in ‘The X-Files’

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Impressions of the Creative Community Courtyard within d3. The development is designed to 'inspire emerging designers and artists, and attract visitors'

architecture
Arts and Entertainment
Performers drink tea at the Glastonbury festival in 2010

GlastonburyWI to make debut appearance at Somerset festival

Arts and Entertainment
Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister

TV reviewIt has taken seven episodes for Game of Thrones season five to hit its stride

Arts and Entertainment
Jesuthasan Antonythasan as Dheepan

FilmPalme d'Or goes to radical and astonishing film that turns conventional thinking about immigrants on its head

Arts and Entertainment
Måns Zelmerlöw performing

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
Graham Norton was back in the commentating seat for Eurovision 2015

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson and James May on stage

TV
Arts and Entertainment
The light stuff: Britt Robertson and George Clooney in ‘Tomorrowland: a World Beyond’
film review
Arts and Entertainment
Reawakening: can Jon Hamm’s Don Draper find enlightenment in the final ‘Mad Men’?
tv reviewNot quite, but it's an enlightening finale for Don Draper spoiler alert
Arts and Entertainment
Breakfast Show’s Nick Grimshaw

Radio
Arts and Entertainment

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
'Youth' cast members Paul Dano, Jane Fonda, Harvey Keitel, Rachel Weisz, and Michael Caine pose for photographers at Cannes Film Festival
film
Arts and Entertainment
Adam West as Batman and Burt Ward and Robin in the 1960s Batman TV show

Comics
Arts and Entertainment
I am flute: Azeem Ward and his now-famous instrument
music
Arts and Entertainment
A glass act: Dr Chris van Tulleken (left) and twin Xand get set for their drinking challenge
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
MIA perform at Lovebox 2014 in London Fields, Hackney

music
Arts and Entertainment
Finnish punk band PKN hope to enter Eurovision 2015 and raise awareness for Down's Syndrome

eurovision
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

    On your feet!

    Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
    With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

    The big NHS question

    Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
    Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Big knickers are back
    Thurston Moore interview

    Thurston Moore interview

    On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
    In full bloom

    In full bloom

    Floral print womenswear
    From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

    From leading man to Elephant Man

    Bradley Cooper is terrific
    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    Dame Colette Bowe - interview
    When do the creative juices dry up?

    When do the creative juices dry up?

    David Lodge thinks he knows
    The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

    Fashion's Cher moment

    Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
    Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

    Health fears over school cancer jab

    Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
    Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

    Weather warning

    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
    LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

    High hopes for LSD

    Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
    German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

    Saving Private Brandt

    A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral