A preview of my next four columns

DO I write to you? No. You can sleep easy in your beds, knowing for sure that, come the morning, your doormat will not be disfigured by the mephitic squelch of a letter from me, criticising the way you write software, pull teeth, manage the imbecilic workforce in your dodgy business, preach sermons, negotiate settlements, teach maths, can peaches, restore sofas ... cor blimey what a lot of things there are for people to do, innit? (Here's a handy hint: next time you get bored with your meaningless, repetitive life, just reach for a copy of the Yellow Pages and browse through the index. It's startling, the things people do to put a crust on the table, the poor buggers. One wonders what historians of the future - I mean future historians, not historians who study the future, though I bet they've got them, too, in America - would make of it. A pig's ear, probably. They get all the details wrong, and don't talk to me about primary sources; at least 50 per cent of all my notes, account-books and memoranda are deliberately false or, at the least, misleading, and as for my letters ... Ah.)

Yes. Letters. I don't write to you, but you write to me. I had a real porker the other morning (do I mean "corker"? No; "porker" is better): three pages of closely-written holograph denouncing me, my attitudes, my racism, sexism, arrogance, stupidity and nastiness. I was (the writer observed) old, fat and lecherous. My hair was a mess and my eyes pointed in different directions. I had a nasty venal look about my mouth. The writer claimed to have met a woman I once went out with, and I was a bastard who had ruined her life. But the final straw (she said) was that she never knew what I was going to write about next, except that it would be "repetitive, mawkish, and stuffed with Latin and other unnecessary showings-off".

We can't have that. There's nothing I can do about the other stuff except resign, get liposuction and die, but this one I can fix. Here, specially for Ms F--- C---- of A---- Street, London S--, are a few trailers for coming attractions.

30 May 1999: ... colossal explosion and before I knew it she had torn off all her clothes and ... small puddle on the immaculate parquet floor, despite everything Tony Blair claims to stand for ... bearded twat with a mouth like a rodent's privities ... nothing to learn from Guyana ... articulation of Bach's early chorale preludes quite out of keeping with modern "authentic" performance style ... leather-clad dominatrix ... don't talk to me about fettucini.

6 June 1999: ... timeless ruins ... marmorial but somehow evanescent ... postmodernism ... very street in which I was once so happy ... psychic wound far back in early childhood ... pat of butter smack in the face, right under the eyes of a traffic warden ... the finest panama hats, of course, being Monte Cristi superfine ... flipped her over without warning and ... tiny oleaginous room- service waiter clutching a bottle of turps and a shaving-brush ... "But you can't have a view of the Acropolis in Rome," he snarled ... voluptuous curves and the scent of coumarine and ambergris ... eggs Benedict ... innovative mathematical model of binary star-systems, which he sold to the ... sodomising a dugong ... unsatisfactory conclusion ... Tony Blair's fault.

13 June 1999: ... shuddering descent into Heathrow ... whiny-voiced proletariat ... nylon leisurewear ... pall of dirty yellow haze ... think air-conditioning had never been invented ... how would it be if everyone did it ... all right for some ... Cassius Dio, I think it was, said that ... immaculately cut Solaro cloth suit ... flashing-eyed beauty with a secretive smile ... actually buys Richard Clayderman, except the Chinese, who know no better ... four-poster bed with shackles at each corner ... John Donne's The Good Morrow ... pat of butter smack in the face ... the grey London dawn ... rid ourselves of little Mr Blair once and for all ... angry and inflamed ... dispossessed and disenfranchised ... GP's surgery ... lotion ...

20 June 1999: ... illusions of childhood, or is it just me? ... sand in the ice-cream cone ... ferry clanking across the bay on its chains ... poor Dylan Thomas ... fat git ... white bread, of course, the only way to clean a Monte Cristi ... smell of turpentine ... psychic wound ... only find them in Essex (I think the word is "scrannet") ... immaculately cut Solaro cloth suit ... pat of butter smack in the face ... looked like it had cleared up, but then I noticed a ... hell Blair thinks he's doing ... flashing-eyed beauty with a secretive smile ... suppose they think it's clever ... "let you know," but she never did.

There. Now you know what to expect. Repetitive and mawkish? I think not. Res, as they say, ipsa loquitur.

Arts and Entertainment
Shades of glory: Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend

Glastonbury Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend will perform with Paul Weller as their warm-up act

Arts and Entertainment
Billie Piper as Brona in Penny Dreadful
tvReview: It’s business as usual in Victorian London. Let’s hope that changes as we get further into the new series spoiler alert
Arts and Entertainment
No Offence
tvReview: No Offence has characters who are larger than life and yet somehow completely true to life at the same time spoiler alert
Arts and Entertainment
The Queen (Kristin Scott Thomas) in The Audience
theatreReview: Stephen Daldry's direction is crisp in perfectly-timed revival
Arts and Entertainment

Will Poulter will play the shape-shifting monsterfilm
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    General Election 2015: ‘We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon’, says Ed Balls

    'We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon'

    In an exclusive interview, Ed Balls says he won't negotiate his first Budget with SNP MPs - even if Labour need their votes to secure its passage
    VE Day 70th anniversary: How ordinary Britons celebrated the end of war in Europe

    How ordinary Britons celebrated VE Day

    Our perception of VE Day usually involves crowds of giddy Britons casting off the shackles of war with gay abandon. The truth was more nuanced
    They came in with William Caxton's printing press, but typefaces still matter in the digital age

    Typefaces still matter in the digital age

    A new typeface once took years to create, now thousands are available at the click of a drop-down menu. So why do most of us still rely on the old classics, asks Meg Carter?
    Discovery of 'missing link' between the two main life-forms on Earth could explain evolution of animals, say scientists

    'Missing link' between Earth's two life-forms found

    New microbial species tells us something about our dark past, say scientists
    Ronald McDonald the muse? Why Banksy, Ron English and Keith Coventry are lovin' Maccy D's

    Ronald McDonald the muse

    A new wave of artists is taking inspiration from the fast food chain
    13 best picnic blankets

    13 best picnic blankets

    Dine al fresco without the grass stains and damp bottoms with something from our pick of picnic rugs
    General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

    Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

    He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
    General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

    On the margins

    From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
    Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

    'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

    Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
    Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

    Why patients must rely less on doctors

    Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'
    Sarah Lucas is the perfect artist to represent Britain at the Venice Biennale

    Flesh in Venice

    Sarah Lucas has filled the British pavilion at the Venice Biennale with slinky cats and casts of her female friends' private parts. It makes you proud to be a woman, says Karen Wright
    11 best anti-ageing day creams

    11 best anti-ageing day creams

    Slow down the ageing process with one of these high-performance, hardworking anti-agers
    Juventus 2 Real Madrid 1: Five things we learnt, including Iker Casillas is past it and Carlos Tevez remains effective

    Juventus vs Real Madrid

    Five things we learnt from the Italian's Champions League first leg win over the Spanish giants
    Ashes 2015: Test series looks a lost cause for England... whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket

    Ashes series looks a lost cause for England...

    Whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket, says Stephen Brenkley
    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected