Baby Jesus freaks: Amazing what you can do with four stuffed lambs and a jar of bath salts. But the modern nativity welcomes Christ with Jean-Michel Jarre and a smoke machine

'IT'S absolute mayhem,' says someone in the staff room, 'they've been high as kites all morning.' In the playground the leaf men, who've come to clear away the autumn debris, dart nervous looks up at the school building, and the person who arrived to mend the photocopier is seen sloping away towards the main gate. With a pained expression, the headmaster is pinning decorations to the noticeboard. And in the classrooms - knee-deep in tinsel and wet paint and excited children - there is the sound of teachers dangling from the end of their tether: 'OK, but quickly Aaron,' they shriek above the hullabaloo, or: 'Do you want this class to begin or not?'

It is a scene you can find in any part of the country. From Hampstead to Leicester, Bradford to Bath; December strikes

chaos into the heart of the primary school. And there is one thing to blame: the nativity play. The simple story of the 'first Christmas', of birth, love and, er . . . peace, is transmuted, via a Tiny Tears doll, a packet of gold stars and a blue candlewick bedspread, into a human endurance test. 'You'll have to excuse us,' says Mrs Tucker from St Thomas More in Leicester, who's has spent the morning up to her ears in shepherds' costumes. 'We're not at our best today.'

And would anyone wish things otherwise? For most schools, the nativity play is a vital ingredient of the year's activities. 'As adults we may know the story well,' Mrs Tucker says, 'but for children it's often the first time they've heard it - and we like to teach them from the word go.' 'Every year we do it,' says Sue McCoy from West Heath Junior in Birmingham, 'and every year they've forgotten what it's about.' 'We just think it's a tradition,' says Mrs Dean from Glade County Primary Infant School in Bognor. 'It's a joy and it's part of our heritage, isn't it?'

Not that the nativity is always delivered straight. Church schools may veer towards the conventional: Mrs Tucker says Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the same four stuffed lambs and jar of bath salts - 'They've been around as long as I've been here, which is, oh, 16 years.' But schools that figure a wider cross-section of religions and cultures tend to deploy a little artistic licence. This year, at Glade County, they're showing the birth of Jesus through the eyes of a group of stars. At Tatworth School in Somerset they serve home-made punch and 'have a good old ham of it' (one of the wise men brings Camel Pie and a camel in the next door stable cries 'Oh no, not Uncle Lenny'). And at Grayshott School in Hampshire, the Gold Class (aged 10-11) performs 'The Three Wise Spacemen' which takes 'an intergalactic look at the age-old Nativity story' and centres on something called a Bedmobile.

Grayshott has a number of 'winter visitors' (travellers, who only attend the school from October to March), and this year the father of one of the winter children has lent some flashing lights and a smoke machine. So, what with the vagaries of time travel, a handful of dance interludes - to Jean-Michel Jarre's 'Oxygene' - and some business with an old car, there isn't an awful lot of time left over for the climactic nativity scene. This doesn't bother Mary (aka Rachel): 'It's boring. Everyone says he's my boyfriend and calls me Mary in class and I wouldn't want three strangers watching me have a baby anyway.' Or Joseph (aka John): he thinks Mary's fussy. 'Anyway if we did the whole thing,' says Michael, who plays a Stone Age father, 'it would take yonks and yonks and yonks and yonks.' 'And yonks,' adds Graham, one of Robin Hood's men.

Val Palmer, the class teacher, finds that at this age it's the details that grab them - the props, the lights, the knobs on the Bedmobile - and that the experience is useful primarily 'for the building of confidence; they learn to work together, to take responsibility for something'. Chris Brown, Grayshott's headmaster, believes it's important to 'teach them respect for the influence of religion, but to keep the imagination open rather than shutting the door'. Some of his pupils come from Christian families, others do not. 'And it's impossible to generalise about how much the children understand the story, or its relevance. The conceptual understanding of a five-year-old can be completely different from that of a six- or seven-year-old. Though you could say younger children tend to be very factual; they tidy up intangibles.'

Certainly, while nearly all the infants will tell you politely that Christmas is 'when Baby Jesus was born', their imaginations seem to be entangled with the practicalities of the narrative. Choosing the boy and girl to play Joseph and Mary is never very difficult. As Chris Brown says: 'It's whoever doesn't object to having to touch each other - once you've got over that hurdle there isn't an enormous selection.' But different factors can come into play. Alex, aged seven, who plays Joseph in an 'old-time musical' Christmas show at St Andrews in Oxford, notes how 'appropriate it was for me to be Joseph because Joseph was a carpenter and I like carpentry too and I've made a birdbox and I didn't have anything on my feet because they didn't wear anything on their feet indoors'. Megan, 11, from Grayshott describes Mary, through a mouthful of Monster Munch, as 'a blue person who has a bad taste in clothes'. And Siobhan, aged six, defines angels as 'flying people' and talks about being in 'an activity play'.

Teachers say that, these days, it's rare for non-Christian parents to remove their children from the nativity, although Jehovah's Witnesses usually do stand back ('It can be quite useful,' says one teacher, 'we get them to do some jobs around the school, you know - photocopying, general secretarial . . .') which, considering the secular nature of many nativity plays, is a shame. After all, the real religious celebration usually comes later. 'The day after the play, we hold our last assembly in the local church,' Chris Brown says. 'After the hustle and bustle, it's lovely and peaceful and quiet. The props and the costumes are packed up. Everyone else has gone and it's just us.'

Geoff Franklin's nativity photographs are at Metro Photographic, 45 Clerkenwell Road, London EC1, until 6 January.

(Photographs omitted)

Arts and Entertainment
Wonder.land Musical by Damon Albarn

Theatre

Arts and Entertainment

Film review

Arts and Entertainment
Innocent victim: Oli, a 13-year-old from Cornwall, featured in ‘Kids in Crisis?’
TV review
News
Northern exposure: social housing in Edinburgh, where Hassiba now works in a takeaway
books An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop
Arts and Entertainment
Terminator Genisys: Arnie remains doggedly true to his word as the man who said 'I'll be back', returning once more to protect Sarah Connor in a new instalment

 

film review
Arts and Entertainment

festivals
Arts and Entertainment

Final Top Gear review

TV
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty and Carl Barat perform at Glastonbury 2015

music
Arts and Entertainment
Lionel Richie performs live on the Pyramid stage during the third day of Glastonbury Festival

music
Arts and Entertainment
Buying a stairway to Hubbard: the Scientology centre in Los Angeles
film review Chilling inside views on a secretive church
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Williamson, left, and Andrew Fearn of Sleaford Mods
musicYou are nobody in public life until you have been soundly insulted by Sleaford Mods
Arts and Entertainment
Natalie Dew (Jess) in Bend It Like Beckham The Musical
theatreReview: Bend It Like Beckham hits back of the net on opening night
Arts and Entertainment
The young sea-faring Charles Darwin – seen here in an 1809 portrait – is to be portrayed as an Indiana Jones-style adventurer
film
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

    Is this the future of flying?

    Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
    Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

    Isis are barbarians

    but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
    The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

    Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

    Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
    Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

    'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

    Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
    Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

    Call of the wild

    How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate
    Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

    'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

    If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
    The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

    The science of swearing

    What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

    Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
    Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

    Africa on the menu

    Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
    Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

    Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

    The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
    10 best statement lightbulbs

    10 best statement lightbulbs

    Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
    Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
    Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

    Dustin Brown

    Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
    Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test