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Homophobe of the week?

Jamie Cann, MP for Ipswich, the man who this week turned Hansard into a gay Kama Sutra. During the Commons debate on the age of consent he began with some rather jovial remarks about his own sex life, in which he confided that, at 52, "sex counts for 1 or 2 per cent of my life nowadays - on holiday, perhaps 5 per cent". However, he then went on to an obsessive and detailed description of homosexual erotic practices which provoked widespread embarrassment. His distaste for such practices was more than apparent. Now, there's one politician who'll never get shafted.

Nazi pigeon of the week

Nazi-trained homing pigeons were the target of British covert operations during the last war, according to some recently released MI5 files. Heinrich Himmler,

mass murderer and president of the German National Pigeon Society, had the bright idea of recruiting these birds to carry intelligence from German sympathisers in England. Our spies got to find this out from "captured pigeon personnel".

The shabby Nazi plan was thwarted by the Army Pigeon Service Special Section, comprising two patriotic peregrine falcons. Indeed, a couple of pigeons were captured, and the secret files note that: "Both birds are now prisoners of war and are working hard at breeding English pigeons."

Never in the field of conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few birds of prey.

Criminal of the week

Have you seen this cut-out? Staffordshire Police have had some trouble tracking the "flat-cap robber". He has been holding up banks, but his nondescript appearance has helped him to evade detection. The police have now resorted to carting this life-size cardboard cut-out around shopping malls. Keep 'em peeled.

Beetle of the week

Have you seen this insect? The Asian longhorn beetle is extremely destructive and capable of wiping out many of our fine trees, such as the horse chestnut and the willow. It must be found. Anyone can join the Insect Service Special Section. Here is a life-size cut-out to help you...

Image of the week

At a rally for Catholic youth during his visit to the United States, Pope John Paul II was presented with a St Louis Blues hockey stick and jersey. Nice to see that the pontiff hasn't lost his sense of humour.