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Smellennium dome

The aroma of boiled cabbage is the first thing to hit visitors to the Millennium Dome. The Learning Zone will feature a school corridor complete with ringing bells, ranting headteachers, playground laughter and, yes, the smell of stewed greens. A simple extension of the scheme may solve the Dome's financial problems. Anecdotal evidence suggests that men of a certain age and educational background would pay good money to be given six of the best by a sadistic teacher. Now, eat up those greens or else...

Butcher of Belgrade

As Slobodan Milosevic is routinely called these days. Or worse. "Serb beast is paranoid nut who sits in dark drinking two bottles of spirits a day". We are told that his cheap view of life is due to an unhappy childhood in which his priest father shot himself and, 10 years later his mother hanged herself. The dictator is also supposed to get a sexual kick from killing.

Dr Dennis Friedman, a "top psychiatrist", is quoted in one of our top tabloids: "There is a condition called lust murder, where people feel an exaggerated sense of sexual potency through murder... Milosevic suffers from this kind of pattern. He becomes more powerful, or feels more sexually potent, when other people die." It is not clear whether Dr Friedman has ever met Slobba.When we have ample evidence of Milosevic's war crimes I wonder what purpose this absurd pornographic tabloid propaganda serves.

Flat Eric

You may have spotted this style puppet in Levi's Sta-Prest TV adverts. Now he's set to top the charts after selling 122,000 copies of his theme tune "Flat Beat". Eric admires Janet Jackson and dirty house: he detests Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson and Celine Dion.

All right darlin'?

Barbara Windsor has a single coming out. Ooh cheeky! In 1962 she starred in a film called Sparrows Can't Sing. Ms Windsor's new CD proves that this cockney sparrah can. One treat is a contribution from Mike Reid, who plays her boyfriend Frank Butcher in EastEnders. Older readers will recall Mike's own hit single "The Ugly Duckling" on the Pye label, which made it to No 12 in April 1975. Carry on singing, Babs...

Image of the week

Here's Monica with Jonathan Marshall, who works for a film company, arriving at a post-Oscars party. I wonder if he likes cigars?