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Homophobe of the Week

This week: Richard Littlejohn of The Sun (where europhobia meets homophobia) who says that "there is a homosexual freemasonry operating at the highest levels in politics, television and within the Royal household". No evidence for this, but, then again who needs it? If there were any, it wouldn't be a conspiracy would it?

Mr Littlejohn is a skillful propagandist. During the war he would have made a good match for Dr Goebbels, who was also fond of talking up a fictional conspiracy, the now unfashionable "international Jewish" variety, and who wasn't too enthusiastic about gay rights either. Perhaps homosexuals are plotting to get us into the European single currency. A pink pound perhaps, but the pink euro seems just a little far fetched.

Dinosaur of the Week

Another ferocious predator with a gigantic mouth. Newly discovered Suchomimus tenerensis roamed Africa 100 million years ago and managed to grow to be 36 feet long just by eating fish. Cod 'n' chips all round then.

Bustard of the Week

Feeling twitchy? Ornithological palate jaded by greater yellowlegs, blue- cheeked bee-eaters and black bellied dippers? Tired of the little bustard? Good news. The world's heaviest flying bird is back. No, not Monica Lewinsky but the great bustard. Hunters found otis tarda too big and unmissable a target and wiped them out 170 years ago. Which must have been a real bustard.

Winner of the Week

Mrs Marjorie Longdin, 73, of Rotherham, who has just won pounds 856,648 on the National Lottery. Mrs Longdin has the distinction of being William Hague's auntie. Probably, by now, his favourite auntie. But she needs help with her soundbites. "It's nice to know that my family is safe for life, especially when we're going into a recession." A recession, don't forget, Marjorie, made in Downing Street.

Image of the Week

The Venerable John Barton, the Archdeacon of Aston, Birmingham, modelling his new vestments. These feature modern imagery, including an aerial view of the our most famous motorway intersection. "God is in Spaghetti Junction," says the Archdeacon. Wondered where he'd got to.

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