Barometer

Winner of the Week

A close run thing between Tony Adams and Gerry Adams, but Gerry wins by a beard because at least he's renounced violence. Sinn Fein have pulled off a series of peaceful publicity "spectaculars" to match the ballistic variety they used to go in for. What next, then, for Gerry? Mr Adams and Mr McGuinness are elected Members of Parliament, and have a standing invitation to attend the People's Palace at Westminster, which they have hitherto disdained on the grounds that they'd have to swear allegiance to the Queen, and her heirs and successors (an understandable enough reluctance, looking at one of them, below). But the peace process is a series of difficult, compromises for everyone. Surely there is room for manoeuvre on the oath (already amended to accommodate atheists)? Gerry's triumphal arrival, maiden speech, Questions to the Prime Minister. Can't wait for the honourable gentleman to take his place, in this most legitimate of targets.

Loser of the Week

Like the jackals in a wildlife documentary going after an lame wildebeest at the edge of the herd, the ITV companies have returned to stalk News at Ten. But there's still time to avert the ghastliness of the "Big Movie". Make Trevor McDonald a winner by writing to:

Save Our Trevor

c/o Director of Programmes and Cable, Independent Television Commission, 33 Foley St, London W1.

Dog of the Week

Jilly Goulden is the celebrity most associated these days with the bloodhound, taking up where Clement Freud left off. But the bloodhound is slipping its leash as celebrity Muttley. As we all know, the best dogs come from Essex, and the constabulary there has proved that their hounds, Sherlock and Morse, have a sense of smell far superior to the German Shepherds usually found on the end of a copper's lead.

Test of the Week

The tasks five year olds are being asked to perform under a Government "benchmarking" exercise seem difficult even for those of us nearer to our second childhood than our first. How many grown-ups, even journalists, even new Labour ministers, are up to these:

1. Can recite at least one nursery rhyme.

2. Ask questions to find out information and listen to the answers.

3. Able to make up a story and tell it. Able to listen to others.

4. When reading a book, make at least one attempt to predict a word or phrase.

Who says standards are falling?

Image of the Week

The spare joins the heir. Prince Harry goes to Eton. Now we know how seriously the monarchy take the modernising-thingummy.