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Winner of the Week

The Vice-Presidency isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. But every intern knows the roll call of V-Ps who've made it to the Oval Office since 1945 - George Bush, Gerry Ford, Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Harry Truman. The chances are that, if you've been the veep and endured the gibes, you have an excellent chance of assuming the highest office.

All being well, Albert Gore Jr will become the 43rd President of the United States of America, and leader of the Free World, probably in the latter part of January 1999. If Clinton doesn't go before then, Al will have the chance to run a further two terms and still be President in 10 years' time. So, Al Gore may well turn out to be the first Vice-President to have been not so much a heartbeat as an ejaculation away from the Presidency. Two last questions: Will Al give Bill a full pardon? And who will Al's V-P be?

Loser of the Week

It may be too early to write off Bill Clinton, but his fortunes have been going up and down as energetically as the presidential pants, and now appear to be firmly around his ankles with the belt broken and the braces snapped. And, just when you thought you had swallowed more than enough, we find another muckraker alleging that Bobby Kennedy had an affair with Rudolf Nureyev, an unorthodox gender choice for one of the Kennedy boys. But, for the most dramatically scandalous of America's rulers, we have to go back to the days when the British were still running the shop.

One of the last Governors of the colony of New York, Lord Cornbury (pictured circa 1708), was a bigot, a drunk and a spectacular transvestite. His taste for ladies' clothing was said by the primitive spin doctors of pre- Rev-olutionary times to be a tribute to the fashion sense of Queen Anne, whom he did, after all, represent.

This is rather like George Bush being caught in stilettos and a pointy bra only to claim that it was just a homage thing to Madonna, or if Clinton had been caught wearing that little cocktail dress rather than just relieving himself on it. It is just as well that Al isn't Tip's size.

Image of the Week

"Will the only man in Britain who thinks that Rupert Murdoch should own Manchester United please raise his right index finger now..." The Daily Mirror produced this stunning montage of the Dirty Digger Devil to go with their caption. Gratitude forbids one mentioning their former proprietor Robert Maxwell's involvement with the nether reaches of English soccer in the shape of Oxford United. If only Cap'n Bob had been a Man U fan.

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