Baking Breaking Bad: Become a Kingpin cook like Walter Wheat with 'blue meth crunch' and 'Heisen-Batten-Burg'

Try your hand at Mr White's Tightey Whitey Bites and other recipes (scroll down)

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The Independent Culture

Fancy learning how to make blue Crystal Meth in the style of Breaking Bad? No, The Independent is not promoting drug use/creation, but a cookery book published in homage to the maverick TV series.

Billing itself as 98 per cent pure but 100 per cent hilarious, Baking Bad will teach you to make an array of intriguing confections and contains so many in-jokes that you’ll need a fake carwash just to process them.

From ‘Ricin Crispie Treats’ to Walt’s patented ‘Meth Muffins’ (complete with blue sugar crystals) and ‘Heisen-Batten-Burg Cake’, many of the AMC show’s best moments are immortalised in sugar (until you eat them, that is).

Creator Walter Wheat says: “When I was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few years ago, I didn’t know how I would provide for my family. Then I discovered I had the ability to produce restaurant-quality shortbread for the black market. This book will be my legacy.”

Even whiter-than-white cookery judge Mary Berry would brand this lot "scrumptious".  Try out some of the recipes (below).

 

Scroll down for recipes:

BLUE METH CRUNCH

A.k.a. ‘Blue Bake’, ‘Randy Candy’, ‘Sugar High’..., whatever,

you’re no cook until you can make this staple dessert

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup (118ml) water

3/4 cup (177ml) light corn syrup

Do not use chili powder. It’s for amateurs

14oz/350g granulated sugar

2 tsp (10ml) peppermint extract

Blue gel food colouring

You will need a candy thermometer

DOSAGE: 5 people

DIRECTIONS

1. Line a baking tray with aluminium foil, or use a heatproof glass

tray. Spray with non-stick baking spray

2. Find yourself a decent accomplice. Underachieving ex-students

are a good choice, though psychologically fragile

3. In a medium saucepan, combine the water, corn syrup and sugar.

Stir the mixture over medium heat until the sugar dissolves,

then turn up the heat to bring to a boil. Stop stirring and

insert the thermometer and use a pastry brush dipped in water to

wet the sides of the pan (this will prevent crystals forming)

4. Cook the mixture until the temperature reaches 285F/140C.

Immediately remove the pan from the heat and take out the

thermometer. Let the mixture stand until all the bubbles have

stopped forming on the surface

5. At some point you’re going to need a distributor. But don’t worry

about that now

6. Add a few drops of peppermint flavouring and enough blue

colour to give the correct ‘Blue Meth’ hue

7. Quickly pour the mixture onto the baking tray, lifting the tray

from side to side to spread the mix. Don’t worry if it’s not

perfectly smooth or has holes in it. Let the candy cool to

room temperature

8. Once the candy has cooled, use a hammer to break it up.

Put into little plastic baggies or serve as is, whichever

your clients prefer

 

WALT’S BIRTHDAY PLATTER

While baking can help you provide for your family,

it can also drive it apart. Whatever happens, though,

this dish makes a celebration of any occasion

WALTS BIRTHDAY PLATTER.jpg
Walt's birthday platter

 

INGREDIENTS

Half a coconut, shelled

Small amount of butter

2 packets of fizzy fruit candy strips

2oz/50g white royal icing

1 can of peaches (halved, separated and soon to be

fighting for custody of the kids)

1 can of whipped cream

DOSAGE: 2 people

DIRECTIONS

1. Grate the coconut into shavings and fry in a

shallow pan with a tablespoon of butter until

golden

2. Trim the fruit candy into lengths to form

numbers, as pictured. (If your wife doesn’t offer

to do this without asking, perhaps look into a

good divorce lawyer)

3. Place the icing into a piping bag fitted with a

small plain nozzle and pipe lines onto the candy

to look like bacon fat

4. Place the peach halves on a plate and add whipped

cream to form the white of the ‘eggs’. Add the

coconut ‘hash brown’ and ‘bacon’ slices and serve

5. Enjoy at home, basking in the warm glow of your

family’s love or, alternatively, alone at a

roadside diner, safe in the knowledge that you

are a f**king boss

 

MR WHITE’S TIGHTY WHITEY BITES

Who would have thought tighty whities and a green shirt

could ever be a good look? It’s early days (maybe it’s even

your ‘pilot’ bake) so these delicious cookies are sweet and

warm, but give them time and they’ll mature into

something much darker and more complex

MR WHITE.jpg
Mr White cookies

 

breaking-bad.jpg
Bryan Cranston as Walter White, in ‘Breaking Bad’

INGREDIENTS

For the gingerbread:

12oz/350g all-purpose flour

2 tsp (10ml) baking powder

2 tsp (10ml) ground ginger (or more to taste)

4oz/100g cold butter

6oz/150g light brown soft sugar

3 tbsp (45ml) golden syrup

1 medium egg

A little flour for dusting

 

To decorate:

White fondant icing, black fondant icing

1 medium egg white

1lb/500g confectioners’ sugar, sifted. ‘THIS (dramatic pause) is not meth’

Green food gel colour

You will need a gingerbread man cutter

DOSAGE: 6 people

DIRECTIONS

‘We need to cook...’...

1. Take off your good clothes. You can’t go home smelling like a bakery

2. Preheat the oven to 400F/200C/185C fan assisted/ gas mark 6. Grease 2

baking trays or line with baking paper

3. Put the flour, baking powder and ginger into a bowl and mix well. Cut the

butter into the mixture in small pieces and rub into the flour mix with

your fingertips until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs

4. Add the sugar, syrup and egg and mix to form a dough. Put into a plastic bag

and chill for half an hour

5. Double check you haven’t left your keys in the RV. You don’t want to know

what a pain in the ass that would be

6. Roll out the dough on a surface lightly dusted with flour. Cut out

gingerbread men with the cutter and place them on the tray. Bake for 10-12

minutes or until beginning to brown around the edges. Transfer to a rack

to cool and harden

7. Roll out the black and the white fondant icings on a surface lightly

dusted with confectioners’ sugar and cut out shapes for the gas masks and

the Y-fronts

8. Put the egg white in a bowl and whisk lightly with a fork. Add the

confectioners’ sugar little by little, beating with a wooden spoon until

the texture is of a piping consistency. Divide into three

9. Stick the white Y-fronts onto the men with a little water. Fill a small

piping bag with plain writing nozzle with white piping icing and pipe on

Y-front details

10. Colour a second amount of icing pale green and pipe outlines of the shirt.

Allow to dry. Add a few drops of water to the pale green icing to give a

runny consistency and carefully spoon into the outline of the shirt, teasing it into the corners with a small brush. Allow to dry

11. Colour the remaining icing dark green and pipe details onto the shirt.

Stick the gas mask pieces to the head with a little water

12. Take a 45 in hand and stand, ready to take on whatever comes over that hill

Baking Bad by Walter Wheat, Published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson on 6 November 2014 in hardback at £9.99. Also available as an eBook

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