Weidenfeld & Nicolson, £25 Order at a discount from the Independent Online Shop

Book review: Red Nile, By Robert Twigger

Twigger of the Nile turns his crafty Old Hand to ripping yarns of the greatest river. Is he for real?

Less well known than the famous Long Range Desert Group of the Second World War was the Short Range Verandah Group, which operated from Cairo's Shepheard's Hotel (motto: "a long bar, long drinks, a long wait"), its members downing gin-slings. Robert Twigger, veteran of many a 4x4 desert foray to lost oases and forgotten wadis, would have been at home in either set. Part ITMAs Colonel Chinstrap, part a GPS-equipped petrolhead desert Jeremy Clarkson, Twigger has a Boys' Own Paper, gung-ho style which recalls a bygone era of all-male bull-sessions at Nairobi's Muthaiga Club. Unlike most cut-and-paste histories from secondary sources, this is an insider's account, not just of the river Nile but of Egypt, Sudan and Uganda, their histories, geographies, quirks and characters.

Get money off this title at the Independent book store

Twigger has lived in Cairo for seven years, is married to an Egyptian and stares at the Nile every day from his study; he has fallen in the Nile, swum the Nile, drunk the waters of the Nile, kayaked and rafted, and travelled the length of it by plane. He is, in fact, an Old Hand, Twigger of the Nile. The stock-in-trade of the Old Hand is warning the rookie how dangerous everything is: killer crocs, enraged hippos, bilharzia, the gay scene in the Pharaohs' day, floods, cannibals, mutilations, plagues – all are recounted with lip-smacking enthusiasm. Can baboons really rip your head off? Can crocs devour men hiding 12 feet up a tree? Do hippos eat people? "When a hippo turns red - then you've really got to watch out," Twigger admonishes. I'll bet.

Rambling, discursive, chatty, anecdotal, funny, often implausible, this account is laden with suspect information and dubious theories, often qualified with a "perhaps" or a "maybe". "The Nile is a clean river," we are told. Er, no it isn't: I inadvertently drank a glass of unboiled Nile water in Luxor, caught paratyphoid, was on my back for three weeks, and nearly died. "The Arabs discovered how to distill alcohol," Twigger claims. No, they didn't: archaeologists have discovered ceramic alcohol stills in Paphos, Cyprus, dating back centuries before Johnny Arab loped out of the Empty Quarter.

Many of the usual suspects have been rounded up - Napoleon and Champollion, Burton and Speke, the Mahdi and General Gordon, Flaubert and Florence Nightingale. Some slipped through the net – I missed Popski and his Private Army, Hicks Pasha, Slatin Bey, Bimbashi Valentine Baker, Colonel Stirling and his SAS, Evelyn Waugh and Randolph Churchill at Groppi's. Twigger could have had much more fun with King Farouk – and where is "Tears Before Bedtime" Barabara Skelton, Farouk's mistress, and the notorious flagellation session with a dressing-gown cord on the steps of his palace? Never mind. It's a series of ripping yarns, and highly entertaining.

My advice is – collar a pew, pour a stiff one, light up a Burmah cheroot, hoist your jolly old ankles over the arms of a Bombay Fornicator, and lie back and savour this Twigger cove's often dotty ruminations. Anyone who appreciates Julian Maclaren-Ross's classic cod-colonial tall tale "A Bit of a Smash in Madras" will adore this book. I think Twigger may have invented a new genre – the Ramblelogue.

Arts and Entertainment
Beyonce, Boris Johnson, Putin, Nigel Farage, Russell Brand and Andy Murray all get the Spitting Image treatment from Newzoids
tvReview: The sketches need to be very short and very sharp as puppets are not intrinsically funny
Arts and Entertainment
Despite the controversy it caused, Mile Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball' video won multiple awards
musicPoll reveals over 70% of the British public believe sexually explicit music videos should get ratings
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister and Ian Beattie as Meryn Trant in the fifth season of Game of Thrones

Arts and Entertainment

book review
Arts and Entertainment
It's all in the genes: John Simm working in tandem with David Threlfall in 'Code of a Killer'

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Far Right and Proud: Reggies Yates' Extreme Russia

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Kanye West was mobbed in Armenia after jumping into a lake

Arts and Entertainment
The show suffers from its own appeal, being so good as to create an appetite in its viewers that is difficult to sate in a ten episode series

Game of Thrones reviewFirst look at season five contains some spoilers
Arts and Entertainment
Judi Dench and Kevin Spacey on the Red Carpet for 2015's Olivier Awards

Ray Davies' Sunny Afternoon scoops the most awards

Arts and Entertainment
Proving his metal: Ross Poldark (played by Aidan Turner in the BBC series) epitomises the risk-taking spirit of 18th-century mine owners

Poldark review
Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne is reportedly favourite to play Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Arts and Entertainment
Tom Hardy stars in dystopian action thriller Mad Max: Fury Road

Arts and Entertainment
Josh, 22, made his first million from the game MinoMonsters

Grace Dent

Channel 4 show proves there's no app for happiness
Disgraced Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson
Arts and Entertainment
Game face: Zoë Kravitz, Bruce Greenwood and Ethan Hawke in ‘Good Kill’

film review

Arts and Entertainment
Living like there’s no tomorrow: Jon Hamm as Don Draper in the final season of ‘Mad Men’

TV review

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
    Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

    UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

    Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
    John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

    ‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

    Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
    Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

    Let the propaganda wars begin - again

    'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

    Japan's incredible long-distance runners

    Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
    Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

    Tom Drury: The quiet American

    His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
    Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

    Beige to the future

    Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

    Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

    More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
    Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

    Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

    The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own