I Kick Therefore I Am, by Ronnie Matthews
Sunday 02 September 2012
Spoofing the pensées of professional footballers is a ticklish task, because the thoughts and actions of so many seem beyond parody. Two new publications neatly illustrate the problem.
I Kick Therefore I Am is the distilled wisdom of the fictional Ronnie Matthews, whose career, after a brief high at Leeds, petered out in the lower leagues before Barry Fry offloaded him to Trabzonspor of Turkey in exchange for a carpet. In his one international appearance, against the Faroe Islands, he "unfortunately became the first England player to be sent off on debut for propositioning a female linesperson", while his media career ended when he was thrown out of the Question of Sport green room after "misreading the signals from Tanni Grey-Thompson". He clocked up 24 red cards, and realised he had a drink problem when "I started bringing two hip-flasks to training – one of rum, the other of pureed bananas and glace cherries so I could mix my own daiquiris in the carpark".
And then there is the real-life Roy McDonough, fleetingly at Chelsea. In Red Card Roy (VSP, £12.99) he recalls his record 22 red cards, one for kung-fu kicking Tony Pulis, his 20-pint a day habit, and running off with his best friend's wife.
Both books are often laugh-out-loud funny, but probably only one is meant to be.
Published in hardback by Bloomsbury, £7.99
Robin Thicke admits he didn't write 'Blurred Lines'music
Review: Cilla, ITV TV
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Thailand beach murders: Thai PM suggests 'attractive' female tourists cannot expect to be safe wearing bikinis
- 2 Scottish independence: What you shouldn't tweet about if you want to avoid jail today
- 3 Scottish independence: Five reasons Salmond is secretly hoping for a 'No' vote
- 4 Isis plan to 'behead random member of the public' in Sydney thwarted by Australian police
- 5 Archbishop of Canterbury admits doubts about existence of God
Daniele Watts: Django Unchained actress detained by Los Angeles police after being mistaken for a prostitute
Scottish independence referendum: A nation divided against itself
Scottish independence: David Cameron is becoming the 'George Bush of Britain'
Russia freezes Ukraine into submission: Kiev admits country doesn't have enough fuel for winter
Scottish independence: The Queen breaks silence on referendum debate – as think tank warns of £14bn black hole if Scotland votes Yes
Portuguese academic says British are 'filthy, violent and drunk'