cinema

Everyone says Brad Pitt is the new Tom Cruise and, oh God, they're right. I've just seen Interview with the Vampire and all I could think of was that Sex Pistols song: "We're so pretty/we're so pretty/we're pretty vacant."

I mean, Tom is bad, but Tom has always been bad. We know Tom will play a swish member of the undead like your Aunt Mavis impersonating Larry Grayson. But Brad's being touted as an actor and he makes Tom seem like a professional. Nearly.

Honey, I am here to tell you that there's no difference between Brad being Brad and Brad being a vampire - both are equally without life. Brad (right) is all surface. Which might explain his popularity - how could someone so empty possibly cause offence?I mean, did anyone buy the gangsters in A River Runs Through It murdering him? You might as well drown a puppy. The boy is laid-back to the point of being comatose, yet there he is, cast as a wild thing in River and as a throbbing force of untamed nature in the forthcoming Legends of the Fall. The only thing untamed about Brad is his hair.

If Brad isn't cast as a cupcake (see Thelma and Louise) then he's just a pouty underlip, two doe eyes and a cute pair of pecs. Which is okay, only critics will insist that's he something of a thespian. I guess some people see a vacuum and they just have to project, but Brad knows better. He ends Interview by announcing that the only thing he's learnt about himself after 300 years is that he's hollow. If vampires had tombstones, it would make a touching inscription.