City: Mystic Deb

Next week's big stories, direct from the City's top speculator
Click to follow
Thursday 22

The NHS is forced to scrap its new pounds 20m computer system after it is exposed as a complete failure. A doctor explaining the situation blames "some sort of bug thing going around".

Tony Blair again denies a rift between himself and his Chancellor. It was never his intention to throw the book at Gordon. He was just aiming for the wastepaper basket and missed.

Friday 23

Loaded magazine announces that it is to target itself at a new class of reader. Remedial.

Tony Blair refuses to commit himself to condemning the Tories for accepting money from a heroin baron, but adds that as a responsible parent, he was merely showing his support for the right to smack.

Samsung Electronics deny that it is in financial difficulty, explaining that the closure of three regional HQs is merely a move towards a new, pocket-sized, ultra-compact workforce.

Saturday 24

Rumours that pesky pigs Butch and Sundance are on the loose again are scotched when sightings of an "escaped porker" are revealed to be Cedric Brown, former chairman, British Gas.

Sunday 25

Harriet Harman explains how pensioners can take advantage of increased welfare payments. If they get themselves pregnant at 60, she says, they can claim child benefit as well.

Monday 26

So-called "mobile phone sickness" continues to plague the business community. Doctors say that anyone experiencing a persistent ringing in the ears should seek immediate medical assistance.

After Cherie Booth goes to court fighting discrimination against those who only work a few hours a week, several top-ranking company chairmen transfer their alliegiance to Labour.

Tuesday 27 Travel agents report record bookings in holidays abroad. A spokesman says that this was due to either recent windfall payments from building societies, or the news that Rolf Harris was planning a new TV series.

Consumer groups express their concern that genetically modified foods are becoming increasingly widespread in supermarkets. "Nonsense. The industry is strictly regulated," declared a carrot earlier today.