Close encounters with pointless trivia

ARE YOU sick of millennium polls? The kind that tell you who was the greatest composer of the last thousand years or what was the greatest song of the century? Well, that's too bad, because today I have another load of millennium awards to dish out, which have to be distributed before AD2000 starts.

Most misleading message in history

The piece of paper that Neville Chamberlain brought back from Hitler, thinking that it meant "Peace in our time", which should have taught us never to trust office memos again.

Most famous one-limbed sailor

A tie between Lord Nelson and Long John Silver.

The person to whom most witty lines have been attributed, even though they never said them in the first place

Male winner: Oscar Wilde.

Female winner: Dorothy Parker.

Most common lie of the late 20th century

"We can't come to the phone right now", which on telephone answering machines means: "We're right here but we're listening to the answering machine to see if it's someone we want to talk to before we pick the phone up."

Most widespread misleading written statement in modern times

"Yours sincerely".

Most persistent superstition in an age of rationality

The belief that a horse will go faster if it is backed with sufficient money.

The cliche most likely to be rendered superfluous by the coming age of electronic banking

"The cheque's in the post."

Most dubious honour of all time

"Man's best friend", awarded to dogs, even though dogs were never consulted and would probably ask for a hefty redefinition of the title.

Three late-20th-century developments in the application of time that even Albert Einstein, with all his work on relativity, never predicted

The expiry date on a credit card; the sell-by date on a bottle of milk; Blind Date.

Most frequent radio announcement of all time

"And now, Alistair Cooke's Letter from America..."

The most time-wasting invention of the last 100 years

Wrapping paper.

Commonest form of mass delusion in the 20th century

The regular, irrational urge that seizes large and otherwise apparently sane cities to apply to be host of the Olympic Games.

Best motto for life ever found on a matchbox

"Keep in a dry place and away from children."

Best example of a name of a character from a book that has passed into the everyday language, while the book and the character have become utterly forgotten

Lothario.

A 20th-century mystery that nobody wants explained but everyone wants to preserve as a 21st-century mystery

Crop circles.

Most pointless invention of the last 100 years

Telephone polls.

Best method of concealing the true price of an object in a shop from the potential customer

Dead heat between antique dealers' coded prices in antique shops and bar-codes in supermarkets.

Most idiotic statement by any politician anywhere at any period in history

"Either a thing is true or it isn't true," said by Ann Widdecombe on Desert Island Discs in 1999.

Most mysterious organisation of modern times, even more so than the Freemasons

The Gideons, because apart from the fact that they distribute the Holy Bible to hotel rooms, nobody knows anything about them - where they come from, what they do it for, how often they have to replace bibles (probably the least stolen item of all those on offer in hotel rooms) or how you join. Has any of us ever met someone who said casually: "Yes, I'm a member of the Gideons, and they do an excellent three-course lunch..."?

Well, then.

More off-the-beaten-track millennium awards tomorrow

Arts and Entertainment
Ellie Levenson’s The Election book demystifies politics for children
bookNew children's book primes the next generation for politics
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams' “Happy” was the most searched-for song lyric of 2014
musicThe power of song never greater, according to our internet searches
Arts and Entertainment
Roffey says: 'All of us carry shame and taboo around about our sexuality. But I was determined not to let shame stop me writing my memoir.'
books
Arts and Entertainment
Call The Midwife: Miranda Hart as Chummy

tv Review: Miranda Hart and co deliver the festive goods

Arts and Entertainment
The cast of Downton Abbey in the 2014 Christmas special

tvReview: Older generation get hot under the collar this Christmas

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Transformers: Age of Extinction was the most searched for movie in the UK in 2014

film
Arts and Entertainment
Mark Ronson has had two UK number two singles but never a number one...yet

music
Arts and Entertainment
Clara Amfo will take over from Jameela Jamil on 25 January

radio
Arts and Entertainment
This is New England: Ken Cheeseman, Ann Dowd, Frances McDormand and Richard Jenkins in Olive Kitteridge

The most magnificently miserable show on television in a long timeTV
Arts and Entertainment
Andrea Faustini looks triumphant after hearing he has not made it through to Sunday's live final

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Rhys says: 'I'm not playing it for laughs, but I have learnt that if you fall over on stage, people can enjoy that as much as an amazing guitar solo'
musicGruff Rhys on his rock odyssey, and the trouble with independence
Arts and Entertainment
Krysia and Daniel (Hand out press photograph provided by Sally Richardson)
How do today's composers answer the challenge of the classical giant?
News
Shenaz Treasurywala
film
News
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Watkins as Christopher Jefferies
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Star Wars Director JJ Abrams: key character's names have been revealed
film
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams won two BBC Music Awards for Best Song and International Artist
music
Arts and Entertainment
Mark, Katie and Sanjay in The Apprentice boardroom
TV
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

    The West needs more than a White Knight

    Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
    Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

    'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

    Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
    The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

    The stories that defined 2014

    From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
    Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

    Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

    Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?
    Finally, a diet that works: Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced

    Finally, a diet that works

    Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced
    Say it with... lyrics: The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches

    Say it with... lyrics

    The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches
    Professor Danielle George: On a mission to bring back the art of 'thinkering'

    The joys of 'thinkering'

    Professor Danielle George on why we have to nurture tomorrow's scientists today
    Monique Roffey: The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections

    Monique Roffey interview

    The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections
    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Their outrageousness and originality makes the world a bit more interesting, says Ellen E Jones
    DJ Taylor: Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    It has been hard to form generally accepted cultural standards since the middle of the 19th century – and the disintegration is only going to accelerate, says DJ Taylor
    Olivia Jacobs & Ben Caplan: 'Ben thought the play was called 'Christian Love'. It was 'Christie in Love' - about a necrophiliac serial killer'

    How we met

    Olivia Jacobs and Ben Caplan
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's breakfasts will revitalise you in time for the New Year

    Bill Granger's healthy breakfasts

    Our chef's healthy recipes are perfect if you've overindulged during the festive season
    Transfer guide: From Arsenal to West Ham - what does your club need in the January transfer window?

    Who does your club need in the transfer window?

    Most Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month
    The Last Word: From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015