Close encounters with pointless trivia
Wednesday 29 December 1999
Most misleading message in history
The piece of paper that Neville Chamberlain brought back from Hitler, thinking that it meant "Peace in our time", which should have taught us never to trust office memos again.
Most famous one-limbed sailor
A tie between Lord Nelson and Long John Silver.
The person to whom most witty lines have been attributed, even though they never said them in the first place
Male winner: Oscar Wilde.
Female winner: Dorothy Parker.
Most common lie of the late 20th century
"We can't come to the phone right now", which on telephone answering machines means: "We're right here but we're listening to the answering machine to see if it's someone we want to talk to before we pick the phone up."
Most widespread misleading written statement in modern times
Most persistent superstition in an age of rationality
The belief that a horse will go faster if it is backed with sufficient money.
The cliche most likely to be rendered superfluous by the coming age of electronic banking
"The cheque's in the post."
Most dubious honour of all time
"Man's best friend", awarded to dogs, even though dogs were never consulted and would probably ask for a hefty redefinition of the title.
Three late-20th-century developments in the application of time that even Albert Einstein, with all his work on relativity, never predicted
The expiry date on a credit card; the sell-by date on a bottle of milk; Blind Date.
Most frequent radio announcement of all time
"And now, Alistair Cooke's Letter from America..."
The most time-wasting invention of the last 100 years
Commonest form of mass delusion in the 20th century
The regular, irrational urge that seizes large and otherwise apparently sane cities to apply to be host of the Olympic Games.
Best motto for life ever found on a matchbox
"Keep in a dry place and away from children."
Best example of a name of a character from a book that has passed into the everyday language, while the book and the character have become utterly forgotten
A 20th-century mystery that nobody wants explained but everyone wants to preserve as a 21st-century mystery
Most pointless invention of the last 100 years
Best method of concealing the true price of an object in a shop from the potential customer
Dead heat between antique dealers' coded prices in antique shops and bar-codes in supermarkets.
Most idiotic statement by any politician anywhere at any period in history
"Either a thing is true or it isn't true," said by Ann Widdecombe on Desert Island Discs in 1999.
Most mysterious organisation of modern times, even more so than the Freemasons
The Gideons, because apart from the fact that they distribute the Holy Bible to hotel rooms, nobody knows anything about them - where they come from, what they do it for, how often they have to replace bibles (probably the least stolen item of all those on offer in hotel rooms) or how you join. Has any of us ever met someone who said casually: "Yes, I'm a member of the Gideons, and they do an excellent three-course lunch..."?
More off-the-beaten-track millennium awards tomorrow
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Half of young women unable to ‘locate vagina’ and 65% find it difficult to say the word
- 2 Perez Hilton apologises for Jennifer Lawrence naked photo leak
- 3 A teacher speaks out: 'I'm effectively being forced out of a career that I wanted to love'
- 4 Mexican woman becomes world’s 'oldest person' at 127
- 5 Jennifer Lawrence 'naked sex video' will be leaked threatens 4Chan celebrity photo hacker
Rotherham child sex abuse scandal: Labour Home Office to be probed over what Tony Blair's government knew - and when
What do immigrants really think of Britain? Polish immigrant's Reddit post goes viral
Ashya King: Parents of five-year-old boy refused permission to visit him in hospital and denied bail at Spanish court
With Douglas Carswell joining Ukip, my party has taken another giant step forward
When elitism grips the top of British society to this extent, there is only one answer: abolish private schools
Ukip Douglas Carswell defection: Tory MP jumps ship to join Nigel Farage