"People from the East Coast are the most up-front, in-your-face, honest people you'll ever meet," she gabbles in her act. "This is a conversation on the East Coast. `You suck.' `You blow.' `Drop dead.' `Go to hell.' That's why we move fast - we're trying to dodge the insults.''
An evening in Falzone's company is not a quiet, pipe-and-slippers affair. Her weapons in the sex war are a sharp eye and an even sharper tongue. "I'm on this very good diet,'' she motormouths, "it's called `my boyfriend dumped me, I'll show you, you bastard'... What woman has never said this - `if only I could lose five pounds'? What would happen if you lost five pounds? World peace? You know what'd happen? You'd lose five pounds, your life'd still suck, you'd still get paid less than a man and you'd be hungry."
The rugby club fraternity might choke into their pints over such lines as "I'm in the water-retention portion of my cycle.'' But don't let that put you off; Falzone's loud, she's brazen, but she's funny, too.
Maria Falzone is at: the East Dulwich Cabaret (0181-299 4138), tomorrow; the Slug and Lettuce, N1 (0171-226 3864) Sun; Beavers Comedy Club, Woking (01483 723 440) & the Comedy Store, SW1 (0171-344 3444) ThurReuse content