Edinburgh Fringe: 25 funniest jokes of all-time

Time to round up the gags we rate higher than Darren Walsh's 2015 winner

The winner of the funniest joke at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe has been revealed. But of all the hilarious one-liners that have been cracked in comedy venues across the city, not everyone is impressed with Darren Walsh’s “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

Take a look at some of the funnier jokes to grace the festival:

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." - Mark Nelson (2015)

"Red sky at night, Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night, day." - Tom Parry (2015)

"I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered as deadheaded." - Holly Walsh (2014)

"My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious."- Fin Taylor (2014)

"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably s**t." - Stephen K Amos (2014)

"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'. - Tim Vine (2013)

"The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." - Phil Wang (2013)

"I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months." - Hayley Ellis (2012)

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Hayley Ellis made everyone laugh with her sex jokes in 2012

"I was in a band which we called The Prevention. Because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." - Alan Sharp (2011)

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." - Tim Vine (2011)

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." - John Bishop (2010)

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." - Gary Delaney (2010)

 

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'." - Paddy Lennox (2009)

"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're 'Up Where They Belong' - Sarah Millican (2009)

"I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward." - Tom Stade (2008)

"When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wonder why her marriage didn't work." - Josie Long (2008)

"I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'." - Jimmy Carr (2006)

"I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63." - Bernie Clifton (2006)

"Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That's a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you'd be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That's a lot of hairy women." - Shazia Mirza (2006)

"I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice'." - Mark Watson (2006)

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Mark Watson once ran a 27-hour gig for charity

"I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven." - Stephen Grant (2006)

"My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night." - Susan Murray (2004)

"Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well." - Scott Capurro (2004)

"Who are the most decent people in the hospital? The ultrasound people." - David O'Doherty (2004)

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