Comment: The Weekly Muse

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The Independent Culture
Not a marriage made in heaven,

Fishermen and conservation -

Anglers wrangling for their space

With the otter population.

That they share a love of carp

Only makes the hobby harder:

Angler sees a well-stocked pond,

Otter sees a swim-through larder.

Clash of interests happening here,

Little hope of arbitration.

Even Martti Ahtisaari

Couldn't sort this situation.

A crash-course in our native tongue,

A map of London town,

Is all a hapless Frenchman has

Before he buckles down

To drive a double-decker

On an unfamiliar street

And learn the southern suburbs

While he swelters in his seat.

As if all of these factors

Weren't enough to have him beat,

A week of leaden lunches

Makes the misery complete.

What memories of Blighty

Will he ferry back to France?

How delicate his English

In its cadence and nuance?

"Zis bleed'n deeck'ead cut me up

The uzzair ***kin' mornin' -

Cam roarin' up ma backside

Wheezaht no bleed'n warnin'.

And cycleests! Ah hate zem!

Zey pull aht from be'ind -

Ah nearly keel ze bastaird...

Oi, geezair! Are you blind?"

The Dome's main show, as approved by Blair

(Though a large percentage couldn't care)

Has a theme that's based on a well-known song -

One of William Blake's. You can sing along.

But "Jerusalem" is so often done,

So I thought we might try another one:

When the Greenwich Dome is a source of noise

And the critics clash with the Labour boys,

When the wine-bars ring with their merry wit

And the punters balk at the price of it,

When it ranks in London's list of sights

As a Cyber-Tit with expensive lights,

When the Tube train link hasn't got there yet

And the admin folk are a tad upset,

In a few years' time, if it doesn't please,

They can do a deal with the Japanese

As they go to lunch in a big black car,

While the auditors go "Ha, ha, ha".

So Sodom is in Wilmslow?

A vicar tells us so.

He stayed there for a twelvemonth,

That's long enough to know -

A fair amount of research

In service of the Lord.

When transferred to Gomorrah,

He claimed that he'd been bored.