Comment: The Weekly Muse
Saturday 12 June 1999
Fishermen and conservation -
Anglers wrangling for their space
With the otter population.
That they share a love of carp
Only makes the hobby harder:
Angler sees a well-stocked pond,
Otter sees a swim-through larder.
Clash of interests happening here,
Little hope of arbitration.
Even Martti Ahtisaari
Couldn't sort this situation.
A crash-course in our native tongue,
A map of London town,
Is all a hapless Frenchman has
Before he buckles down
To drive a double-decker
On an unfamiliar street
And learn the southern suburbs
While he swelters in his seat.
As if all of these factors
Weren't enough to have him beat,
A week of leaden lunches
Makes the misery complete.
What memories of Blighty
Will he ferry back to France?
How delicate his English
In its cadence and nuance?
"Zis bleed'n deeck'ead cut me up
The uzzair ***kin' mornin' -
Cam roarin' up ma backside
Wheezaht no bleed'n warnin'.
And cycleests! Ah hate zem!
Zey pull aht from be'ind -
Ah nearly keel ze bastaird...
Oi, geezair! Are you blind?"
The Dome's main show, as approved by Blair
(Though a large percentage couldn't care)
Has a theme that's based on a well-known song -
One of William Blake's. You can sing along.
But "Jerusalem" is so often done,
So I thought we might try another one:
When the Greenwich Dome is a source of noise
And the critics clash with the Labour boys,
When the wine-bars ring with their merry wit
And the punters balk at the price of it,
When it ranks in London's list of sights
As a Cyber-Tit with expensive lights,
When the Tube train link hasn't got there yet
And the admin folk are a tad upset,
In a few years' time, if it doesn't please,
They can do a deal with the Japanese
As they go to lunch in a big black car,
While the auditors go "Ha, ha, ha".
So Sodom is in Wilmslow?
A vicar tells us so.
He stayed there for a twelvemonth,
That's long enough to know -
A fair amount of research
In service of the Lord.
When transferred to Gomorrah,
He claimed that he'd been bored.
Review: Imaginative storytelling returns with vigourfilm
Bannatyne leaves Dragon's DenTV
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Howard Jacobson: Let's see the 'criticism' of Israel for what it really is
- 2 Game of Thrones author George RR Martin says 'f*** you' to fans who fear he will die before finishing Westeros saga
- 3 Belgium fan Axelle Despiegelaere lands L'Oreal campaign after World Cup viral photo
- 4 Britney Spears sings 'Alien' without Auto-Tune in embarrassingly brilliant leaked audio clip
- 5 PornHub begs users to stop uploading video clips of Brazil getting beaten 7-1
Sustained immigration has not harmed Britons' employment, say government advisers
Australia facing international condemnation after turning around Sri Lankans at sea
7/7 memorial defaced on anniversary of 2005 attacks with ‘Blair lied thousands died’ graffiti
Even when it brutalises one of its own teenage citizens, America is helpless against Israel
There’s a nasty smell in the political air – and it’s coming from the Tories
Vanessa Feltz criticises 'vile' reaction to Rolf Harris allegations