Comment: The Weekly Muse
Saturday 12 June 1999
Fishermen and conservation -
Anglers wrangling for their space
With the otter population.
That they share a love of carp
Only makes the hobby harder:
Angler sees a well-stocked pond,
Otter sees a swim-through larder.
Clash of interests happening here,
Little hope of arbitration.
Even Martti Ahtisaari
Couldn't sort this situation.
A crash-course in our native tongue,
A map of London town,
Is all a hapless Frenchman has
Before he buckles down
To drive a double-decker
On an unfamiliar street
And learn the southern suburbs
While he swelters in his seat.
As if all of these factors
Weren't enough to have him beat,
A week of leaden lunches
Makes the misery complete.
What memories of Blighty
Will he ferry back to France?
How delicate his English
In its cadence and nuance?
"Zis bleed'n deeck'ead cut me up
The uzzair ***kin' mornin' -
Cam roarin' up ma backside
Wheezaht no bleed'n warnin'.
And cycleests! Ah hate zem!
Zey pull aht from be'ind -
Ah nearly keel ze bastaird...
Oi, geezair! Are you blind?"
The Dome's main show, as approved by Blair
(Though a large percentage couldn't care)
Has a theme that's based on a well-known song -
One of William Blake's. You can sing along.
But "Jerusalem" is so often done,
So I thought we might try another one:
When the Greenwich Dome is a source of noise
And the critics clash with the Labour boys,
When the wine-bars ring with their merry wit
And the punters balk at the price of it,
When it ranks in London's list of sights
As a Cyber-Tit with expensive lights,
When the Tube train link hasn't got there yet
And the admin folk are a tad upset,
In a few years' time, if it doesn't please,
They can do a deal with the Japanese
As they go to lunch in a big black car,
While the auditors go "Ha, ha, ha".
So Sodom is in Wilmslow?
A vicar tells us so.
He stayed there for a twelvemonth,
That's long enough to know -
A fair amount of research
In service of the Lord.
When transferred to Gomorrah,
He claimed that he'd been bored.
Robin Thicke admits he didn't write 'Blurred Lines'music
Review: Cilla, ITV TV
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- 3 Kim Kardashian 'nude pictures' leaked on 4chan weeks after Jennifer Lawrence 'The Fappening' scandal
- 4 Matthew Miller: American sentenced to hard labour in North Korea 'wanted to be Snowden II'
- 5 Iranian blogger found guilty of insulting Prophet Mohammad on Facebook sentenced to death
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Scottish referendum results: Cross-party consensus collapses amid Tory-Labour spat on the 'English question'
Scottish independence: David Cameron is becoming the 'George Bush of Britain'
Russia freezes Ukraine into submission: Kiev admits country doesn't have enough fuel for winter
Archbishop of Canterbury admits doubts about existence of God
Portuguese academic says British are 'filthy, violent and drunk'