Comment: The Weekly Muse
Saturday 12 June 1999
Fishermen and conservation -
Anglers wrangling for their space
With the otter population.
That they share a love of carp
Only makes the hobby harder:
Angler sees a well-stocked pond,
Otter sees a swim-through larder.
Clash of interests happening here,
Little hope of arbitration.
Even Martti Ahtisaari
Couldn't sort this situation.
A crash-course in our native tongue,
A map of London town,
Is all a hapless Frenchman has
Before he buckles down
To drive a double-decker
On an unfamiliar street
And learn the southern suburbs
While he swelters in his seat.
As if all of these factors
Weren't enough to have him beat,
A week of leaden lunches
Makes the misery complete.
What memories of Blighty
Will he ferry back to France?
How delicate his English
In its cadence and nuance?
"Zis bleed'n deeck'ead cut me up
The uzzair ***kin' mornin' -
Cam roarin' up ma backside
Wheezaht no bleed'n warnin'.
And cycleests! Ah hate zem!
Zey pull aht from be'ind -
Ah nearly keel ze bastaird...
Oi, geezair! Are you blind?"
The Dome's main show, as approved by Blair
(Though a large percentage couldn't care)
Has a theme that's based on a well-known song -
One of William Blake's. You can sing along.
But "Jerusalem" is so often done,
So I thought we might try another one:
When the Greenwich Dome is a source of noise
And the critics clash with the Labour boys,
When the wine-bars ring with their merry wit
And the punters balk at the price of it,
When it ranks in London's list of sights
As a Cyber-Tit with expensive lights,
When the Tube train link hasn't got there yet
And the admin folk are a tad upset,
In a few years' time, if it doesn't please,
They can do a deal with the Japanese
As they go to lunch in a big black car,
While the auditors go "Ha, ha, ha".
So Sodom is in Wilmslow?
A vicar tells us so.
He stayed there for a twelvemonth,
That's long enough to know -
A fair amount of research
In service of the Lord.
When transferred to Gomorrah,
He claimed that he'd been bored.
MusicThe band accidentally called Londoners the C-word
Film 'I've never been comfortable on-screen', she says
Review: One Direction, Fourmusic
Review: The World of Ice and Firebooks
Film More romcom than S&M
Review: The Imitation Gamefilm
Comedy...to show her mastectomy scars
TVNetflix gets cryptic
TV review A moving film showing kids too busy to enjoy their youth
Books Not even a Man Booker prize could save Richard Flanagan from a nomination
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 'Not suppost to cry': 9-year-old lists the worst things about being a boy
- 2 'Beast of Bolsover' Dennis Skinner takes Ukip MP Mark Reckless to task moments after he is sworn in
- 3 Woman opens professional cuddling shop – gets 10,000 customers in first week
- 4 Lana Del Rey rape video: Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking leaked footage
- 5 Largest ever study into the gay gene 'erodes the notion that sexual orientation is a choice'
Lee Evans announces his retirement from comedy on The Jonathan Ross Show
Iggy Azalea responds to Eminem rape lyrics: 'I'm bored of old men threatening young women'
Angelina Jolie confirms retirement from acting: 'I've never been comfortable on-screen'
Lana Del Rey rape video: Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking leaked footage
Willow and Jaden Smith talk duality of apples, holographic realities and the melancholia of the ocean in incredible New York Times interview
Rochester by-election: Ukip gains second MP as Tory defector Mark Reckless holds seat
'Beast of Bolsover' Dennis Skinner takes Ukip MP Mark Reckless to task moments after he is sworn in
'Muslims pre-date Columbus in discovering America,' says Turkish president Erdogan
Rochester by-election: Labour MP Emily Thornberry resigns after posting white van and England flags tweet
France 'blocks' Russian sailors from boarding a warship
Former Tory PM Sir John Major says 'we would not have an NHS without migrants'