Tuesday 25 May 1999
Octavia Leigh is convinced that the party is in power in Whitehall already and Sue Johnson has poetic visions of the OMRLP achieving world domination. Eric Dunkley found the party's website and decided that its policies were all jolly sensible.
Free dogs will be issued to comply with "dogs must be carried on escalators" (John Pickin). Council allotments will be used to grow "grass" (Colin O'Hare). Milk bottles will be delivered upside down, with "Open other end" printed on the bottom (Eric Dunkley). A spa will be built for floating voters (Peter Thomas). Drivers will be clamped instead of their cars (Tony Brandon). Doors that are alarmed will be eligible to receive counselling (T.M. O'Grady). A thousand new council houses will be built in three weeks, in trees along the route of a proposed bypass.
Manufacture and sale of stovepipe hats and rosettes soars, creating boost to local economy. Town Hall declares independence from UK and styles itself a republic (Bruce Birchall). All road signs are spelt wrongly to promote equality for dyslexics (Mike Gifford). Refreshments at council functions are limited to fruit cakes, nuts and bananas (Joan Vinnicombe).
All council meetings are to finish with a custard pie fight (J.A. Kelly). Laughing gas is to be pumped into air conditioning of all civic buildings.
Traffic cones are to be redeployed as councillors' official headgear. Council Tax is to be paid in tulip bulbs (Colin Archer) and poured straight down the drain to save on admin costs (R.J. Pickles). Dame Shirley Porter to be co-opted on to the finance committee (Paul Turner). Voting by a show of hands to be abandoned, as it always ends up with an even number (Pe.T.)
A two-day week, and a five-day weekend! (Eric Bridgstock). Free Public Transport! (Nicholas Gough). Abolish house numbers! Tax falling leaves! Birth control for nettles! (Andrew Duncan). Longer lollies on shorter sticks! More pennies to the ha'penny! (S.J.) Trampolines instead of pavements! (J.P.) Nude shopping in Tesco! (Jane Reeves). Zebras for children to cross the road! Police to take pandas on patrol! (Clair Hubble).
Colin Archer, Andrew Duncan and John Pickin each win a copy of Chambers' Dictionary of Quotations.
In the Italian Commedia dell'Arte the Doctor had a speech in which a list of ailments and operations were linked to place names: melancholy in Milan, corns in Cornwall, a hip-switch in Ipswich.
Geographically appropriate illnesses to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail Loki.Valhalla @btinternet.com by 3 June, and three more Chambers' Dictionary prizes on 8 June. The proposed 6 June readers' meeting is postponed to October. On 1 June: why that chicken crossed that road.
TV review Nick Hewer, the man whose eyebrows speak a thousand words, is set to leave The Apprentice
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Nigel Farage: Me vs Russell Brand on Question Time – he's got the chest hair but where are his ideas?
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Peter Lik: The self-proclaimed 'fine-art photographer' whose work sells for millions
The best underrated Christmas movies from Love, Actually to While You Were Sleeping
Grace Dent on TV: The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies was a beautifully shot, immensely considered drama
The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies, review: Jason Watkins is brilliant, but real victim Joanna Yeates is reduced to a footnote
Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking Lana Del Rey rape video
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Nigel Farage defends Kerry Smith 'ch***y' comment: 'If you are going for a Chinese, what do you say you’re going for?'
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre
Sony hack: Angelina Jolie branded 'seriously out of her mind' in further embarrassing leaked email saga
Panic Saturday: 13 million Britons spend £1.2bn – while 13 million others across the country live in poverty unable to afford food