Tuesday 25 May 1999
Octavia Leigh is convinced that the party is in power in Whitehall already and Sue Johnson has poetic visions of the OMRLP achieving world domination. Eric Dunkley found the party's website and decided that its policies were all jolly sensible.
Free dogs will be issued to comply with "dogs must be carried on escalators" (John Pickin). Council allotments will be used to grow "grass" (Colin O'Hare). Milk bottles will be delivered upside down, with "Open other end" printed on the bottom (Eric Dunkley). A spa will be built for floating voters (Peter Thomas). Drivers will be clamped instead of their cars (Tony Brandon). Doors that are alarmed will be eligible to receive counselling (T.M. O'Grady). A thousand new council houses will be built in three weeks, in trees along the route of a proposed bypass.
Manufacture and sale of stovepipe hats and rosettes soars, creating boost to local economy. Town Hall declares independence from UK and styles itself a republic (Bruce Birchall). All road signs are spelt wrongly to promote equality for dyslexics (Mike Gifford). Refreshments at council functions are limited to fruit cakes, nuts and bananas (Joan Vinnicombe).
All council meetings are to finish with a custard pie fight (J.A. Kelly). Laughing gas is to be pumped into air conditioning of all civic buildings.
Traffic cones are to be redeployed as councillors' official headgear. Council Tax is to be paid in tulip bulbs (Colin Archer) and poured straight down the drain to save on admin costs (R.J. Pickles). Dame Shirley Porter to be co-opted on to the finance committee (Paul Turner). Voting by a show of hands to be abandoned, as it always ends up with an even number (Pe.T.)
A two-day week, and a five-day weekend! (Eric Bridgstock). Free Public Transport! (Nicholas Gough). Abolish house numbers! Tax falling leaves! Birth control for nettles! (Andrew Duncan). Longer lollies on shorter sticks! More pennies to the ha'penny! (S.J.) Trampolines instead of pavements! (J.P.) Nude shopping in Tesco! (Jane Reeves). Zebras for children to cross the road! Police to take pandas on patrol! (Clair Hubble).
Colin Archer, Andrew Duncan and John Pickin each win a copy of Chambers' Dictionary of Quotations.
In the Italian Commedia dell'Arte the Doctor had a speech in which a list of ailments and operations were linked to place names: melancholy in Milan, corns in Cornwall, a hip-switch in Ipswich.
Geographically appropriate illnesses to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail Loki.Valhalla @btinternet.com by 3 June, and three more Chambers' Dictionary prizes on 8 June. The proposed 6 June readers' meeting is postponed to October. On 1 June: why that chicken crossed that road.
Film Leonardo DiCaprio hunts Tom Hardy
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Sabrina Corgatelli: US hunting tourist posts picture of herself with dead giraffe after Cecil the lion outrage
- 2 Dutch King Willem-Alexander declares the end of the welfare state
- 3 A-level results 2015: UK exam board OCR admits it 'estimates' hundreds of pupils' grades after papers 'go missing'
- 4 Giant Minion terrorises drivers in Ireland as 40ft inflatable blocks busy Dublin road
- 5 'Cool kids' can go on to become losers in later life, study finds
Artist Jamie McCartney: How The Great Wall of Vagina is a stand against 'body fascism'
Cilla Black: Her 12 best songs, from 'Anyone Who Had a Heart' to 'You're My World'
Michael B Jordan and Kate Mara handle excruciatingly awkward and offensive interview questions like pros
Game of Thrones season 6: 'A Song of Ice and Fire should be finished by 1998,' said George R. R. Martin, 'but don't hold your breath'
Sherlock season 4: Benedict Cumberbatch will be 'a lot less brattish' in Victorian special
Is Britain really full up? Are migrants taking our jobs? Leading academic answers the most common anti-immigration claims
Calais Migrant Crisis: Deputy Mayor of Calais labels Cameron's use of 'swarm' as 'racist' and 'ignorant'
Chris Leslie: Jeremy Corbyn's anti-austerity agenda will harm the poor, says Labour shadow Chancellor
Landlords renting properties to illegal immigrants to face up to five years in prison
While we fixate on Calais, the Home Office is quietly deporting dozens of migrants on 'ghost flights'
Calais crisis: The seven claims made about the migrants - and the reality