Tuesday 25 May 1999
Octavia Leigh is convinced that the party is in power in Whitehall already and Sue Johnson has poetic visions of the OMRLP achieving world domination. Eric Dunkley found the party's website and decided that its policies were all jolly sensible.
Free dogs will be issued to comply with "dogs must be carried on escalators" (John Pickin). Council allotments will be used to grow "grass" (Colin O'Hare). Milk bottles will be delivered upside down, with "Open other end" printed on the bottom (Eric Dunkley). A spa will be built for floating voters (Peter Thomas). Drivers will be clamped instead of their cars (Tony Brandon). Doors that are alarmed will be eligible to receive counselling (T.M. O'Grady). A thousand new council houses will be built in three weeks, in trees along the route of a proposed bypass.
Manufacture and sale of stovepipe hats and rosettes soars, creating boost to local economy. Town Hall declares independence from UK and styles itself a republic (Bruce Birchall). All road signs are spelt wrongly to promote equality for dyslexics (Mike Gifford). Refreshments at council functions are limited to fruit cakes, nuts and bananas (Joan Vinnicombe).
All council meetings are to finish with a custard pie fight (J.A. Kelly). Laughing gas is to be pumped into air conditioning of all civic buildings.
Traffic cones are to be redeployed as councillors' official headgear. Council Tax is to be paid in tulip bulbs (Colin Archer) and poured straight down the drain to save on admin costs (R.J. Pickles). Dame Shirley Porter to be co-opted on to the finance committee (Paul Turner). Voting by a show of hands to be abandoned, as it always ends up with an even number (Pe.T.)
A two-day week, and a five-day weekend! (Eric Bridgstock). Free Public Transport! (Nicholas Gough). Abolish house numbers! Tax falling leaves! Birth control for nettles! (Andrew Duncan). Longer lollies on shorter sticks! More pennies to the ha'penny! (S.J.) Trampolines instead of pavements! (J.P.) Nude shopping in Tesco! (Jane Reeves). Zebras for children to cross the road! Police to take pandas on patrol! (Clair Hubble).
Colin Archer, Andrew Duncan and John Pickin each win a copy of Chambers' Dictionary of Quotations.
In the Italian Commedia dell'Arte the Doctor had a speech in which a list of ailments and operations were linked to place names: melancholy in Milan, corns in Cornwall, a hip-switch in Ipswich.
Geographically appropriate illnesses to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail Loki.Valhalla @btinternet.com by 3 June, and three more Chambers' Dictionary prizes on 8 June. The proposed 6 June readers' meeting is postponed to October. On 1 June: why that chicken crossed that road.
Arts & Ents blogs
Britain's top vet sparks controversy with call for ban on slashing animals' throats in 'ritual' slaughters for halal and kosher meat products
Exclusive: Impact of immigrants on British workers ‘negligible’
Katie Hopkins continues campaign to become Britain's most hated talking head with poorly timed Bob Crow tweet
Grace Dent: Who cares if she spells it Barraco Barner? Gemma Worrall is more employable than some bookish arts graduate
Ukraine crisis: Russia pledges to 'retaliate against sanctions' as Ukrainian president says Crimea vote will not be recognised
The quiet diplomat: Catherine Ashton - recognised and admired in all the world’s troubled countries, yet ridiculed at home
- 1 Watch: The student election Macklemore parody that isn't completely awful - and all the others that are
- 2 Three-quarters of Britons are saying it wrong - the top ten most common mispronunciations
- 3 Son attacks Apple after it refuses to unlock his late mother’s iPad
- 4 Grace Dent: Who cares if she spells it Barraco Barner? Gemma Worrall is more employable than some bookish arts graduate
- 5 First Kiss video: Filmmaker gets 20 strangers to make out on YouTube with awkward results