Tuesday 16 June 1998
The most popular suggestions were teaming up with an old pop group called "Salt 'n' Pepper" and appearing in adverts for Old Spice. Mike Gifford, however, suggests that she should team up with the Tottenham supremo to form a new partnership: "Sugar and Spice".
Ann Furze suggests a job on the bacon counter of a supermarket, on the grounds that "Spice Girl" is an anagram of "Pig-slicer". Nicholas E Gough thinks she has a chance of becoming a dictator, on the grounds that "Geri Halliwell" is an anagram of "A Girl we'll heil".
Steve Prowse suggests that a Spice Girl might get a job as proof-reader in an M&M factory, though he fears she could be fired for throwing out the Ws. Norman Foster wants to throw her, along with Jasper Carrot, Mr Bean, Michael Fish, Helmut Kohl and Popeye's Olive Oyl into a Pol Pot to make a Chinese one-spice stir-fry.
Bert Marks set his answer to a well-known tune:
What shall we do with a ginger Spice Girl (repeated twice)
Now she's left the others?
Send her off with Gazza to find Lord Lucan (repeated twice)
Then she'll no more bother us.
More suggestions in brief: "Geri should change her surname to `Hattrick' to bring new hope to the over-sixties" (Len Clarke); "Send them into Outer Spice" (Alistair Walker); "How to make use of an ex-Spice Girl? Evans only knows." (Frank Middlemass). "She could become a Geri-builder" (R Whiteley); "Put her on the rack" (Robbie Jones); "Send her up to the Mir spice station (Peter Thomas).
Sian Cole has firm ideas on what Spice Girls are good for. As Magy Higgs writes:
Like fingers, Spice Girls come in fives
(Let Sian Cole not start smirking)
Without a single one, their lives
Will very soon stop working.
Several verses later, she concludes:
The group will fold; they're far too old
A thrill to be reborn
So give the ex a cheer (or six)
She's done us a good turn.
Geoffrey Langley draws our attention to Wren's memorial inscription: Si monumentum requiris, circumspice" and therefore recommends that she be enlisted as a singing guide round St Paul's Cathedral: Circum-Spice.
Bruce Birchall looks forward to Geri Halliwell forming a group with veteran stars such as Bob Dylan on Zimmer frame and the Commodores on commodes, to be called "Geri and the Pacemakers". He also suggests that she should settle down, marry a top civil servant and change her name to Geri Mandarin, or team up with Tom Hanks as either Ginger Tom or Tom and Geri.
Nigel Plevin says "She may need thyme to get back to her spice routes" but he thinks she could end up as ambassador to Chilli.
Chambers Dictionary awards to Geoffrey Langley, Norman Foster, and Tristan York.
Next week, we'll be doing exciting things with a dactyl and a spondee. Meanwhile, we seek ideas for useful things to do with a football. Answers to: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.
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