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WE ASKED what had happened to all those loud check trousers golfers used to wear. Mary Flavin reports as follows: "I have checked on this and found that golfers' wives rebelled against their husbands' appalling sartorial taste and forcibly removed these frightful trousers from their wardrobes. They then sold them on to farmers to dress scarecrows in, but they scared so many birds to death that a wildlife protection group quickly had them banned. They were subsequently cut up and hung in the back windows of cars to deter other drivers from coming too close." Mike Gifford has a simple account of where they've gone: "Checks are out: you need stripes to compete with Tiger Woods."

Geoffrey Langley points out that "golfing trousers, like most affronts to civilised living, originated in the US of A." He says that since golf is the third greatest bore in the world, "after Internet enthusiasts and the great Dome itself", the trousers should be given to maintenance workers on the Channel Tunnel. Nicholas E Gough thinks checked trousers make ideal chessboard warmers. Lindsay Warden suggests filling them with latex and throwing them around to produce bouncing checks. Or coat them in latex, sew up the turn-up, cut them in half and use as novelty giant condoms.

Neil Hudson says they are rare because they represent the highest level of golf masters. "Like the belt system in judo, golfers must progress through bell-bottoms, corduroys and tartan trousers before finally being allowed to wear checked ones." Andrew Duncan thinks they've been bought up by BA to enable their cabin staff to match the newly decorated tail fins. John Lamper gave up wearing gaudily coloured golfing trousers as soon as he got a hole in one. He adds: "I must confess I was surprised to read in your newspaper that our new golfing hero rounded off his triumphant performance with a 69. If only golfers still wore plus-fours, such displays of youthful exuberance might be curbed."

Len Clarke doesn't like checks and headed straight for the check out when he was given a pair.

"A golfer who went on a cruise,

Cried: 'What shall I do with my trews?'

He laid them on deck

In event of a wreck

He'd be saved by the sight of those hues." (writes Janet Holdcroft).

Sian "no trousers" Cole tells us that she has long, silky-smooth legs, and that trousers of any sort are a waste of time. Noel Mitchell says that gaudy trousers are no longer par for the course. Bruce Birchall points out that plus-fours were eliminated in the cut after round two (along with plus 5s, plus 6s etc). They were outshone, he says, by Tiger, Tiger, burning bright. Norman Foster says they're worn by lovers "who remove them, then play noughts and crosses on them while waiting for the Viagra to work". PJ Turner says they been cut up into head-towels for Yasser Arafat. Maguy Higgs writes:

The chequered trousers worn erstwhile by golfers on the green

Convert quite well to something else as will be quickly seen:

Cut off one leg, and seam the end; a windsock now emerges;

To warn the pilots at Heathrow they're getting near the verges.

Daniel Holloway suggests wigs for Scottish football fans, or colour-blindness tests, or tea-cosies, or putting into high-tar-tan cigarettes.Jan Moor says: "Tablecloths for tee-parties". Judith Holmes advises using them as sandbags in bunkers "to stem the tide of sartorial freedom in sport." Bagpipe windbags, says RJ Pickles.

Chambers Dictionary prizes to John Lamper, Janet Holdcroft and Mary Flavin. Next week, ways to kill Hitler. Meanwhile, we seek uses for an extraterrestrial. Ideas will be welcome at Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.

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