CREATIVITY

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SOCIAL SERVICES send out robots as home helps to the elderly, But unfortunately

Asked by nervous OAPs to show proof of ID before being allowed in, the robots, being robots and having no identity, promptly short-circuit and self-destruct. Ordered to remove all known household germs, the robo-mops, who consider all living beings to be germs, enthusiastically terminate the OAPs as well (Ivor Gleek) [8].

When thirsty OAPs type in the request "Char, please", the robots set the house on fire (Mike Gifford) [6]. Robots discover Stanna stairlifts, think they are at a funfair and gleefully ride up and down all day, shouting: "Wheee!". Robots think voices on TV are talking to them and do aerobics with the Green Goddess, obey the RSM's drill commands and prostrate themselves when bank robbers say so (Kate Hardy) [5].

A software typo makes the robots summon demons from the underworld to create Home Hells. Seeing the elderly's lack of mobility, they squirt machine oil into every available orifice. After watching "Little Red Riding Hood", impressionable robots swallow OAPs, jump into bed and wait for their grandchildren to come calling (Stuart Cooper) [4].

Asked to get pensioners' money from the post office, the first robot there relieves staff and customers of their wallets, the second one in empties the tills and scoops every penny from the vaults, and the third one flogs the building off to a property developer for pounds 50m (Di Wilson) [4].

Mischievous silver surfers re-program the 'bots to knock off policemen's helmets, clamp traffic wardens' wheels, take all the furniture out of bailiffs' houses and board them up and let down the tyres of TV detector vans (Clair Hubble) [3]. Feelings shattered as robots tell the elderly confused they are neither Napoleon, Lassie nor their old ration book (Mike Richards) [2]. Malfunctioning program causes robots to continually escort their clients to and fro across dangerously busy roads (Andrew Duncan) [2]. The Metal Mickey assigned to Stephen Hawking thinks it has acquired ventriloquist powers and applies for an Equity card (Ruth Abbott) [1].

Week 8: The brains of geniuses are kept alive in laboratories after their physical death. We wondered what could possibly go wrong.

Ideas to CreativityColumn@hotmail.co.uk or Creativity, Features, The Independent, 191 Marsh Wall, London E14 9RS by 14 February. Results: 22 February. 8 February: Bottled Babies. 15 February: Small States. Leaders: Mike G 28, Di 24, Clair & Stuart 23, Kate & Ruth 22

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