Geoffrey Langley, after failing to convince his great-aunts that Dawkins was not the author of A Brief History of Time ("a work which they consider superficial in concept and simplistic in treatment") was forced to solve the problem himself. In view of Dawkins's known affection for his Apple Mac, and the fact that the core of the computer is its RAM, he concludes that he must have been born under Aries.
Nicholas E Gough reached an identical conclusion through reading the mystic runes in Who's Who, which told him that Dawkins was born on 26 March. Mr Gough, however, confesses to being a Libran, the only inanimate object in the Zodiac, but says he can cope with that.
Duncan Bull believes that Prof Dawkins was born on the cusp of the rare sign Canis in praesaepe (Dog in the manger). He thinks that astrologers should be redeployed writing the next Tory election manifesto, on the grounds that they could hardly do worse than "the moonstruck jokers" who did it last time.
"Line them all up against the wall and shoot 'em," advises Mike Gainsford. "Not particularly creative," he adds, "but kinder in the long run." More subtly, David Bennie suggests rounding them all up and shooting all those who predict they will get out alive. Survivors to be retrained as astrophysicists.
John Browning, in a somewhat defeatist attitude, says that whatever we plan for astrologers, they will have seen it coming. RJ Pickles says they will avoid whatever we plan because they would know in advance. He nevertheless thinks we could curtail their activities by sending them to Texas, the Lone Star State.
Elizabeth Grundy suggests turning them back to front, to solve some of the mysteries of the past. Patsy Abraham proposes shooting them into space, and Susan Gidden provides the means to do so: by hitching their wagons to a star.
Martin Brown thinks they could be used to fill the hole in the ozone layer. Failing that, he recommends sending them back to their astro lodges.
Gordon Wight offers a scheme for giving astrologers jobs as Government advisers. To recruit for these prime positions, he proposes a simple test of correctly predicting winning lottery numbers. He asks applicants to send their submissions, together with a pounds 1 handling fee, directly to him. Ciarn Ryan sees them profitably employed in the private sector to advise both marketing departments and consumers: "...Saturn is in the ascendant in the House of Fraser..."
AJ Brewer confesses to being an Unastrologer, born under the sign of Sceptico (1 Jan to 31 Dec). One of the basic tenets of Unastrologers is that MPs would be better employed writing horoscopes, while astrologers run the country.
Prizes to: Geoffrey Langley, RJ Pickles, Gordon Wight. Next week, sugar tongs. Meanwhile, we seek ideas for boomerangs. Chambers Dictionary prizes for the winners. Ideas to: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Sq, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.Reuse content