Creativity: To get to the other side, of course

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The Independent Culture
THE CHANNEL tunnel: a reassessment. Joanne Shipton extols the virtues of the tunnel as 'an excellent place to dispose of all the soil which was dug out of that large hole under the Channel,' while David Nicholls proposes filling it with concrete to give Britain the advantage of being an island.

Alternatively, he suggests feeding our sewage into it to keep our beaches up to European standards. 'Fill it with water,' advises David Godfrey, 'to make a channel crossing point for fish.' Geoffrey Langley points out that the Channel tunnel is the joke for which 'to get to the other side' is the punch line.

Paul McHugh, however, proposes drilling small holes in the roof of the tunnel near the English end and covering them with tea-strainers to create an acclimatising drizzle effect. 'Paint it gold,' says Jennifer Gill, 'and twirl it around Blackpool Tower as a giant helter-skelter,' or 'connect to a black hole as an extra tool to clean up space debris.'

Michael Beechey proposes the tunnel 'as a means to eliminate the difference in water level reported to exist between the coasts of England and France,' while Nigel Lewis prefers using it to equalise air pressures. 'Given that France has more warm weather associated with high pressure, this should improve our climate.'

'Cut it up into small pieces,' says Len Clarke, 'and use it for underground bypasses on motorways.' Stuart Cockerill suggests it as a new home for the European Parliament, or partially flooding it as a weather-protected route for cross-channel ferries, or using it as a baguette mould. Steph and Paul applaud its excellent record in swallowing money, and propose that it be used as a bank vault.

We apologise for the transport problems which caused the delay in arrival of this column. Next Tuesday, if all goes well, we shall report on uses for those perforated strips from computer print- out.

Meanwhile, if you have any ideas for what to do with toast racks, send them to: Creativity, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.