Creativity: Towering advice for Europhobes

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The Independent Culture
EUROPHOBIA was a powerful influence this week among readers suggesting creative uses for the Eiffel Tower. A grater for the EC cheese mountain was the most popular suggestion, though some preferred using it as a skewer for the EC beef mountain. Close behind cheese-grating came the suggestion of a prop for the leaning tower of Pisa, while a bung for the Channel tunnel (in the event of non-ratification of Maastricht) also featured high on the popularity list.

Sue Rowlands suggested that the tower could be dismantled, with the pieces used to complete the Channel tunnel rail link, while Don Yates proposed using it to store the winding gear needed to pull British Rail trains through the tunnel. His other suggestion of turning it into a giant windmill might also provide the winching power rather than, as he suggests, blowing garlic scented bubbles.

Isobel Montgomery Campbell thought it would make a good handle for an EC rubber stamp, while Tim Aldworth, on the same theme, suggested it be dedicated as a European memorial to a time when European memorials did not have to be rubber-stamped by EC bureaucracy. Among the personalised suggestions, Douglas Beattie thought it might make a useful toothpick for Esther Rantzen, while Pauline Radley thought Gertrude Shilling might wear it to Ascot. R Naylor's proposal, involving Madonna, the Boston Philharmonic, the Huddersfield Choral Society and a good deal of latex, is unfortunately unprintable.

Other ideas include a starting post for the Grand National (Mollie Caird), Forth Bridge painting practice (Liz Middleton), climbing frame for over-active child (Jack Muirhead), giant lemon squeezer (several), car-park sign for EuroDisney (Topaz Illustra), inverted and stuck in the ground as the base for a trampoline (Katie Stallard) or inverted and stuck in the ground to prevent Scarborough hotels falling into the sea (Ilse Danby), Paris side of Anglo-French abseiling link (several), Kwik-fit repair shop for low-flying satellites (Michael McGinn), roost for homeless bats or raw material for wire-coathangers or prosthesis for large one-legged pirate (Lindsay Warden).

The most patriotic suggestion, however, came from Peter Hanratty who suggested using it as a replacement in the close season for Blackpool Tower to enable the latter to be taken away and cleaned.

Prompted by Michael McGinn's idea of using the tower as an editor's spike for Bosnian peace plans, this week's object is the Vance-Owen peace plan. Any ideas should be sent to Creativity, The Independent, 40 City road, London EC1Y 2DB.

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