CRIES & WHISPERS: Hello, hello, good to be back
Sunday 11 January 1998
Further to Cries' revelation that someone called Tony Blair is thanked in the sleevenotes of R Kelly's album, 12 Play, Andy Danson from Bradford has kindly directed my attention to the smallprint of the first Ben Folds Five album. On the last track, "the cello is credited to a Chris Eubank, and even more bizarrely, this rather moving song is called 'Boxing'."
Other readers have written in to suggest ways of improving the Cries and Whispers festive party game, Carry On Drinking. So, in addition to the Carry On occurrences listed, take a swig every time there is an excrement joke, every time Charles Hawtrey says, "Oh, hello", and every time there is a sliding whistle on the soundtrack. I'm very happy to pass on these amendments, mainly because those people who neglected to buy the paper over New Year won't have a clue what I'm on about.
Last of the Summer Wine has just returned for, at last count, its 83rd series, with Peter Sallis, as ever, playing the part of Clegg. Sallis should by now be better known as the voice of Wallace, from Nick Park's Oscar-winning Wallace & Gromit animations, but the articles written in praise of the Plasticene pair never seem to acknowledge him. Looking up the IoS database of newspaper cuttings, we find 546 references to Wallace & Gromit. Of these, 238 mention Park, and a paltry 11 mention Sallis. Eleven! Cries & Whispers says: Justice for Peter Sallis! He voiced the first Wallace film when Park was a mere student, and he, Sallis, was a nationally renowned actor, which makes him the Harvey Keitel to Park's Quentin Tarantino. By rights, then, he should now be appearing in every cool, independent cartoon there is.
Last year's Demi Moore movie, GI Jane, was advertised with the line, "Failure is Not an Option", a maxim that was ignored by the film's box- office performance. More recently, Paul Verhoeven's mandible-fest Starship Troopers was promoted with several different billboard slogans, including "Victory Is Our Only Option". And now there are posters all over the country (or, at least, my local underground station) for the computer game, Command and Conquer: Red Alert, posters that are emblazoned with the words "Surrender Is Not an Option". I know it's a tough job thinking up slogans for militaristic fluff, but if there's a copywriter who sold this one to three different clients he should be ashamed of himself.
Just as the Glenn Miller Band made records after Miller's plane went down, the Chris Evans breakfast show is now broadcast on Fridays without Evans. While the nominal presenter has a day off to practise leering at female celebrities for TFI Friday, his usual team of sycophants do the radio show without him. Two mornings ago, I listened to the first of these Chris-in-name-only shows, in the hope of writing something pithy about it, but after 90 smug, dreary minutes of ads, Aerosmith, and plugs for TFI, I decided I had sacrificed too much of my life already. Maybe next week I should follow Evans's example. I'll get someone else to write about his show, and put my own name at the bottom.
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Notting Hill Carnival: Woman shares selfie after being ‘punched in face for telling man to stop groping her’
- 2 Keira Knightley topless: Usually conservative actress does own take on #Freethenipple campaign for Interview Magazine
- 3 Daily Show's Jon Stewart destroys Fox News for its Ferguson coverage
- 4 When elitism grips the top of British society to this extent, there is only one answer: abolish private schools
- 5 Brother and sister, Christopher Buckner and Timothy Savoy, arrested for 'committing incest after watching 'The Notebook''
Great British Bake Off 2014: Diana Beard quits after falling ill
Friends reunion: Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox perform mini sketch on Jimmy Kimmel Live
Breaking Bad season 6 hoax: Vince Gilligan has not confirmed a new series
Strictly Come Dancing v X Factor: Simon Cowell blasts BBC over scheduling war
Doctor Who series 8: Ofcom will not investigate lesbian kiss
Exclusive: We share blame for creating 'jihad generation', says Muslim strategist
Robin Williams Emmys tribute led by Billy Crystal criticised for including 'racist' joke about Muslim woman
The Rotherham child abuse scandal is a tale of apologists, misogyny and double standards
Scottish independence TV debate: Pumped-up Alex Salmond bounces back in bruising second round against Alistair Darling
Do you realise just how foolish the UK looks?
Ukip Douglas Carswell defection: Tory MP jumps ship to join Nigel Farage
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