Day Out

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I live near Kirkby Lonsdale, Cumbria and an ideal day out would be staying in. If I had to go out I would first take a walk round my estate, survey all that I owe and think of the bank. When I'd got over that depression I would take a drive into the market town of Kirkby Lonsdale. I'd have a bacon sandwich in the back of the Bentley down at Devil's Bridge, which is a local beauty spot. Sometimes I risk it and have a bacon and egg sandwich. I'll also have a coffee and a quick look at the back page of the quality papers.

I work evenings so the days are very valuable. Sad to say I don't play golf, but if it was a nice day I'd go out on my motorbike. I go down the lanes for about three miles then get a headache and come back. I'd recover by having crumpets with cheese and tomato chutney or Branston Pickle topping, and sit in the lounge with a cup of tea, thinking about my debts again. I love a good show and if I could I'd go down to London to see something like Five Guys Named Moe. Not Aspects of Love - that's full of poofs.

I'd better not name the restaurants I go to, but I do like the Ostler's Grill at the Royal Hotel Kirkby where they do me a nice charcoal grill steak - I take my wife. Occasionally I go to the Wagon and Horses, a local pub where I play a wicked Dixieland trumpet. The Riverside Jazz Band allow me to play with them. When they see me coming they usually shut the door because I'm actually not very good. Then there's a pub called The Dragon's Head in Whittington where they do a nice local brew. They're all comedians in there. I'm on the local brew diet - I lose three days. In fact I've just got back from Madeira where it was 80 degrees so an ideal day would be to piss off back there.

Jim Bowen appears in 'The Comedians Christmas Cracker', tomorrow night 10.45pm ITV.

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