Edinburgh Festival / Final Day: Side View
Friday 02 September 1994
The underwhelming response from readers to our question indicates that not only do readers believe there are next to none, but that those doing the rounds are not worth sharing. The advent of elaborately crafted comic routines has all but put paid to the one- liner. Needless to say, most of the suggestions are unprintable, being sexist or racist or, both. The promised magnum of champagne goes to David Nugent from Bristol, none of whose jokes can be printed here ('Long live political incorrectness,' he wrote), but who earns the prize through sheer quantity rather than quality of material. After a three-week joke cull by Independent reviewers, these are some of the jokes that got away . . .
Linda Smith: 'I'm a dyslexic satanist. I worship the drivel.' John Paul Leach: 'Lynn Faulds Wood] You know why that programme's called Watchdog.' Steady Eddy: 'My idea of safe sex is wearing a crash helmet.' Ivor Dembina: 'Always use a condom. If you don't have a condom use a vagina.' Lea de Laria on Martina Navratilova: 'That girl gives me a wide-on.' Phil Kay: 'There's too many drugs in sport, but not enough in angling.' Richard Herring: 'If fat is a feminist issue, then where does that leave Bernard Manning?' Tony Hawks: 'What pisses me off about fire-eaters is that they're never there when there's a fire.' The Men Who Know: 'If Barbara Cartland has written so many books, then how come nobody can name one?' Mark Davis: 'My gaydar isn't working. All the British men look gay to me.' Scott Capurro's response to street evangelists: 'Jesus is coming and that's what you're wearing.' Robert Schimmel: 'Dr Ruth says it's normal to masturbate. But then, who's bonking her?'
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