Edinburgh Festival `98: Festival Diary

MON. 10.40AM. Awake after restless night's sleep. Shower, breakfast, then off to Assembly Rooms. Feel imposing but not yet dominant. See Krapp's Last Tape. The elderly actor looked confused. He didn't speak for half an hour and when he did his nose fell off. Very shoddy work. Actors should retire at 30 and get proper jobs. Bump into Johnny Vegas, a fat talentless drunk. I am much funnier than he is, and prove it in the evening with another superb performance.

Tues. 9.16am. Wake alone... good! More milk for me. Have a drink with Rich Hall, wittering Yankee immigrant! I am much funnier than he is. At Late N Live my comic genius is so radiant that journeyman comics huddle away from me, except Mark Lamar who tells me I was shit. I am much funnier than he is.

Wed. 11.40am. Awake in panic: no milk! Buy milk, crisps and tissues from jovial newsagent. Am much funnier than he is. Play football on the meadows with other comedians. Some of my passing was hilarious.

Thurs. 7.25am. No sleep last night. My review in the Scotsman failed to mention that I am the funniest man in the world. In fact, they failed to mention that I'm funny at all. As I stride amusingly down Princes Street wearing my star, I realise there must be an experimental dance troupe called "Sean Lock" which has been reviewed by mistake. Phew, what a relief! Get drunk with my mate Bill Bailey. We have a great laugh, but that's mostly down to me.

Fri. 11.25am. Get up but have been awake since 9.00am admiring my firm, athletic legs. At 2pm deliberately avoid crisis meeting with promoter by seeing Babes with Blades, a compelling show about the history of women and weapons. Was particularly moved by the lesbian prison fight. In the audience I recognised Frank Skinner, the Midlands smut merchant. In trying to avoid my gaze he obviously concedes that I am much funnier than he is. My show is now so funny that people bring sick pets to be cured by my one-liners.

Sat. 2.30am. Awake terrified, covered in sweat. What if my hilarious act is nothing more than a superhuman power bestowed upon me by some curious alien race? I must fight these destructive thoughts. See Lady Boys at the Big Top. Very disappointing, no boobs.

Sun. 10.53am. Wake with the confidence of a comic genius. Last night all the comedians signed an affidavit declaring me the funniest man on earth. But it is a moment tinged with sadness as I think of the ancient civilisations that died out before they could enjoy my act. I could have been Pharaoh of Fun, Big Chief Many Giggles or Zeus of Comedy.

Sean Lock is at the Pleasance Cabaret Bar at 8.05pm until 31 August

Arts and Entertainment
Legendary blues and rock singer Joe Cocker has died of lung cancer, his management team as confirmed. He was 70
music The singer has died aged 70
Arts and Entertainment
Maisie Williams looks concerned as Arya Stark
tv
Arts and Entertainment
photography Incredible images show London's skyline from its highest points
Arts and Entertainment
'Silent Night' last topped Classic FM's favourite Christmas carol poll in 2002
classical
Arts and Entertainment
Caroline Flack became the tenth winner of Strictly Come Dancing
tv 'Absolutely phenomenal' Xtra Factor presenter wins Strictly Come Dancing final
PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment
Rhys says: 'I'm not playing it for laughs, but I have learnt that if you fall over on stage, people can enjoy that as much as an amazing guitar solo'
musicGruff Rhys on his rock odyssey, and the trouble with independence
Arts and Entertainment
Krysia and Daniel (Hand out press photograph provided by Sally Richardson)
How do today's composers answer the challenge of the classical giant?
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
News
Shenaz Treasurywala
film
News
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Watkins as Christopher Jefferies
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Star Wars Director JJ Abrams: key character's names have been revealed
film
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams won two BBC Music Awards for Best Song and International Artist
music
Arts and Entertainment
Mark, Katie and Sanjay in The Apprentice boardroom
TV
Arts and Entertainment

Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites

Arts and Entertainment
Frances O'Connor and James Nesbitt in 'The Missing'

TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations

Arts and Entertainment
Joey Essex will be hitting the slopes for series two of The Jump

TV

Who is taking the plunge?
Arts and Entertainment
Katy Perry as an Ancient Egyptian princess in her latest music video for 'Dark Horse'

music
Arts and Entertainment
Dame Judi Dench, as M in Skyfall

film
Arts and Entertainment
Morrissey, 1988

TV
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

    'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

    Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
    Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

    Ed Balls interview

    'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
    He's behind you, dude!

    US stars in UK panto

    From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
    Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

    Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

    What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
    Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

    Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

    Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
    Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

    Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

    Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
    Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

    Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

    Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
    Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

    Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

    Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
    Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

    Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

    Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
    Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

    Autism-friendly theatre

    Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
    The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

    The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

    Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
    From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

    Panto dames: before and after

    From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
    Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

    Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

    Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
    Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

    Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

    Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
    The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

    The man who hunts giants

    A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there