Edinburgh Festival `98: Festival Diary
Friday 21 August 1998
Tues. 9.16am. Wake alone... good! More milk for me. Have a drink with Rich Hall, wittering Yankee immigrant! I am much funnier than he is. At Late N Live my comic genius is so radiant that journeyman comics huddle away from me, except Mark Lamar who tells me I was shit. I am much funnier than he is.
Wed. 11.40am. Awake in panic: no milk! Buy milk, crisps and tissues from jovial newsagent. Am much funnier than he is. Play football on the meadows with other comedians. Some of my passing was hilarious.
Thurs. 7.25am. No sleep last night. My review in the Scotsman failed to mention that I am the funniest man in the world. In fact, they failed to mention that I'm funny at all. As I stride amusingly down Princes Street wearing my star, I realise there must be an experimental dance troupe called "Sean Lock" which has been reviewed by mistake. Phew, what a relief! Get drunk with my mate Bill Bailey. We have a great laugh, but that's mostly down to me.
Fri. 11.25am. Get up but have been awake since 9.00am admiring my firm, athletic legs. At 2pm deliberately avoid crisis meeting with promoter by seeing Babes with Blades, a compelling show about the history of women and weapons. Was particularly moved by the lesbian prison fight. In the audience I recognised Frank Skinner, the Midlands smut merchant. In trying to avoid my gaze he obviously concedes that I am much funnier than he is. My show is now so funny that people bring sick pets to be cured by my one-liners.
Sat. 2.30am. Awake terrified, covered in sweat. What if my hilarious act is nothing more than a superhuman power bestowed upon me by some curious alien race? I must fight these destructive thoughts. See Lady Boys at the Big Top. Very disappointing, no boobs.
Sun. 10.53am. Wake with the confidence of a comic genius. Last night all the comedians signed an affidavit declaring me the funniest man on earth. But it is a moment tinged with sadness as I think of the ancient civilisations that died out before they could enjoy my act. I could have been Pharaoh of Fun, Big Chief Many Giggles or Zeus of Comedy.
Sean Lock is at the Pleasance Cabaret Bar at 8.05pm until 31 August
BBC Trust agrees to axe channel from TV in favour of digital moveTV
Final Top Gear reviewTV
FestivalsFive ways to avoid the portable toilets
Jurassic WorldThe results are completely brilliant
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Tunisia hotel attack: Locals form 'human shield' to protect hotel from gunman Seifeddine Rezgui
- 2 Russian officials ban yoga because it's too much like a religious cult
- 3 German ethics council calls for incest between siblings to be legalised by Government
- 4 Ginger Pride festival to take place next summer, organisers say 'time of bullying gingers is over'
- 5 Facebook rainbow profile pictures likely being tracked by social network
Glastonbury 2015: The best bits you missed from Lionel Richie and the Dalai Lama to The Libertines' secret set
Glastonbury 2015: The picture of a man crowd surfing in a wheelchair is brilliant, but it wasn't taken at Glastonbury
Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James' Twitter Q&A didn't exactly go as planned
Guillaume Tell gang-rape scene causes uproar at the Royal Opera House
Glastonbury 2015: Shocking scenes of rubbish left strewn across campsite as clean-up begins
The moment a Queen's Guard soldier lost it and drew his gun at annoying tourist
Greece crisis: IMF was pushed around by Angela Merkel and Nicholas Sarkozy – and now it is being humiliated
Greece crisis: The wider lesson is that it’s time to abandon this failed experiment in currencies
'I wish the BBC would stop calling it Islamic State' – David Cameron unleashes frustration at broadcaster
Pentagon accuses Russia of 'playing with fire' over nuclear threats towards Nato
They are neither a 'state' nor 'Islamic': Why we shouldn't call them Isis, Isil or IS