This is my idea of heaven. No more mortgage, no more fear and loathing. Unfortunately, I haven't found one of the three stickers. Nor have I found one of the lesser stickers, which entitle the winner to mortgage money for a year; nor even one of the really boring stickers, which are for a free roll of lavatory paper. Each time I get to the empty cardboard roll, I feel surprised by the absence of a sticker. One is surely meant for me?
I'm also quite interested in the cream cracker competition, though less convinced that I'll be a winner in this one. Five packets have a 'bullion note' worth pounds 25,000 tucked away inside. The appeal of both this competition and the lavatory paper one is that it depends on a stroke of fate - no skill, no talent, no endeavour is required. I've never been very keen on those tie-
breakers in magazine competitions: when you have to say in 25 words why a holiday to St Lucia would change your life, or why you deserve a de luxe dream pine kitchen.
I know a man who spends a day a week doing those kinds of competitions, and he's always winning things: a trip to Paris, a shiny new washing machine. But it sounds too much like a job to me, composing 25 words of genius week after week. I just want pure, magical, miraculous luck.
I think I was put off the tie-breakers by the WH Smith Win A Pony competition, which I did every year between the ages of six and 10. It didn't matter that we lived in a small flat in the middle of London. I wanted that pony. So every year, I dutifully named the correct breeds of the 10 ponies photographed in the entry form. I'm sure I got them right. I went to the library and looked them up in the Encyclopaedia Britannica and so I knew which one was a Shetland and which was a New Forest pony. But then there was that bloody tie- breaker: explain in 25 words why you want a pony all of your very own. Of course I wanted a pony] Couldn't the judges tell?
I never won a pony, and I've lost my five premium bonds (which makes me fret, because how will I know if I've got a prize?) and I didn't even get a free flight to America when I bought a very expensive Hoover washing machine. But the lavatory paper - I just know there's a sticker waiting for me.Reuse content