And the real winner is...

Awards season is upon us - time to roll out the red carpet, to bare flesh and souls. But what of the ceremonies? And which gongs will put your name in lights, and which signify a career in flames? Matthew Sweet makes his acceptance speech

Academy Awards

Glamour rating 5/5

Inaugurated 1927

Gong The Oscar, designed by Cedric Gibbons, an MGM art director who received 11 of his own.

Stats There are thousands out there. Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh used theirs as doorstops for the lav - though why anyone would want to prop open a lavatory door is unclear. But the plaster ones made during the War - now they're rare.

CV points Despite the vulgarity of the event and the numb conservatism of the voters' choices, Oscar night is still career Viagra. Mind you, neither Harold Russell, a former soldier who had his hands blown off in the war before winning for The Best Years of Our Lives, or the Cambodian refugee Dr Haing S Ngor, who won for The Killing Fields, used their awards to lever themselves above the title of a nice romantic comedy.

Your agent says "What do you mean, fired?"

Golden moment The nomination in 1985 of the script for Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes. The screenwriter Robert Towne, however, had been so appalled by the changes made to his work that he removed his name from the credits and replaced it with that of his sheepdog - which, if it had won, would doubtless have made an acceptance speech befitting the dignity of the occasion.

This year's ceremony 29 February

London Critics Circle Awards

Glamour rating 2/5

Inaugurated 1981

Gong A glass spike designed by Peter Penny, too sharp to command a nickname.

Stats 314 clutter the world's mantelpieces.

CV points In Hollywood, this looks as good as a gong from the Association of Chicago or LA critics. But they don't know that I have a vote.

Your agent says "Which awards?"

Golden moment Overheard at the 2001 bash: Stephen Daldry, having just won for Billy Elliot: "What I really want to do is West Side Story!"

This year's ceremony 11 February

Orange British Academy Film Awards

Glamour rating 3/5

Inaugurated 1948

Gong The Bafta mask by Mitzi Cunliffe (who modelled the original in Plasticine).

Stats Growing all the time: three were given at the first ceremony; 59 at last year's.

CV points The Baftas were a night of post-Oscar sticky seconds, at which Academy Award winners got the chance to use Acceptance Speech B, until their retiming transformed the ceremony into the second-most-important rehearsal for the big one - and a way of consoling British talents for their customary disappointment at the end of the month.

Your agent says "Congratulations! Do you fancy playing a villain in Die Hard IV?"

Golden moment Lew Grade, the Havana-chomping producer of Raise the Titanic, was the first recipient of the Michael Balcon Award for an Outstanding Contribution to British Cinema. Balcon's widow Aileen, suffering from Alzheimer's, was sitting in the audience between her son and the actor Christopher Reeve. "There's that awful shit Lew Grade," she exclaimed, as the impresario hoved into view. "Your father hated him!"

This year's ceremony 15 February

Director's Guild of America Awards

Glamour rating 3/5

Inaugurated 1949

Gong A dinner-plate-sized gold-plated disc.

Stats 396 at the last count.

CV points The DGA's directors' award is the most reliable forecast of the Best Director Oscar - the result has differed only six times. Not much of surprise there, the membership lists share hundreds of names, and nominations are announced 10 days before polls close for the Oscars...

Your agent says "Are you a betting man?"

Golden moment None. The ceremony is untelevised. They could all be naked in there.

This year's ceremony 7 February

Screen Actors Guild Awards

Glamour rating 4/5

Inaugurated 1995

Gong The Actor - a nude bloke waving his arms around, sculpted by Edward Saenz.

Stats 126 have been awarded.

CV points Awarded by actors - so not as valuable as one in which producers or casting directors have a vote. But the event is a riotous Kumbh Mela of thespian self-congratulation.

Your agent says "Can I sit next to Kirsten Dunst?"

Golden moment Russell Crowe's 2002 acceptance speech: "We are storytellers. And ours is an ancient tradition, contemporised by the cinema and the capturing of light. On any given night, millions of people across the world buy a ticket for adventures that only we as storytellers can provide. We release burdens. We galvanise emotions. And I want to encourage every one of you in this room to give everything you can to the story. God bless narrative. God bless originality." At least he didn't thump anybody.

This year's ceremony 22 February

Golden Globes

Glamour rating 4/5

Inaugurated 1943

Gong The planet in 24 carat, designed by Marina Cisternas (scrap value: £150). In the first few years, though, the winners were presented with a measly scroll.

Stats Six were pressed into gratefully sweaty palms at the first ceremony in 1943; 25 this year. But unlike most ceremonies, the story of the Globes is not one of exponential growth: in the 1960s, some runners-up went home with Silver Globes.

CV points Awarded by the 90-odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association - so if you're a critical success in Albania, here's where you might get your reward.

Your agent says "Tell 'em what you like - except 'The British are coming.'"

Golden moment The slap-up meal and Las Vegas trip to which members were treated by Pia Zadora's husband in 1982. Wonder who won that year's Outstanding Newcomer Award.

This year's ceremony 29 February

Golden Raspberry Awards

Glamour rating 0/5

Inaugurated 1980

Gong The Razzie, a berry sitting on a film can, created by the event's founder, John Wilson.

Stats 230 have been awarded, but only one recipient has ever turned up to accept.

CV points Since Razzies are intended to bring shame upon the people who win them, they tend not to open many doors. Sylvester Stallone is their most decorated figure.

Your agent says "I'm not here now, so speak after the beep..."

Golden moment Tom Green was the actor-director brave enough to accept in person the dishonour conferred upon him for Freddy Got Fingered, a comedy about child abuse in which the characters are sprayed with elephant semen. "This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel," wrote Roger Ebert in the Chicago Sun-Times. "This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel... This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."

This year's ceremony 28 February

Empire Film Awards

Glamour rating 1/5

Inaugurated 1996

Gong Embossed prism, not entirely unlike a Through the Keyhole trophy.

Stats 86 have been won - most of them, it seems, by Kate Winslet.

CV points Voted for by readers of the middle-market glossy, this is one to win for the after-show party, not the glory of the mantelpiece. But hey, it's better than anything with the words TV Times engraved across it.

Your agent says "Bella magazine wants to interview you about your divorce!"

Golden moment Dustin Hoffman, Benicio del Toro and Hugh Grant trolled up the red carpet last year - and had their thunder stolen by Johnny Vegas announcing that he'd conceived a child, possibly in Torquay. So at least something was accomplished on location for Blackball...

This year's ceremony 4 February