Everyone's been talking about it, haven't they. Who's going to win the big one? Who's going to wear the best dress? Who'll give the excruciating speech? You know, the one where they thank everyone but the dog. And then the dog.
Yes, tonight, my friends, it's once more the Academy of Operative Dentistry's Annual Meeting, and they'll be handing out those golden statuettes (probably – it is in the shiny, shiny US, after all) for the Award of Excellence. Sorry, did you think we meant some other awards going on tonight? Nah, no one cares about them.
For while this evening might well bring us the 84th Annual Academy Awards (check that: it definitely will), the Oscars themselves have brought us something far more important: the chance to throw on a sparkly frock or a penguin suit (depending on your gender or possibly your radical sense of fashion and inability to feel embarrassment), and enjoy the prize-giving antics that these days every industry bar none indulges itself in.
So you're not a dentist. Maybe, then, you're waiting with bated breath for the announcement of the shortlist for the LSL Property Press Awards tomorrow. No? Would the Global Mobile Awards on Tuesday suit you better? OK, OK, how about the Mortgage Strategy Awards? Or the Business Insurance Risk Management Innovation Awards Luncheon on Wednesday? (Mmm, luncheon.) The Scottish Alternative Music Awards or Quality Food Awards on Thursday? Are you stealing yourself for the Taxation Awards entry deadline on Friday? Still no? Then next Saturday is definitely the day for you: it's the World Pasty Championships! Pasties! Get in! For if anything screams modern awards ceremonies, it's good food.
Ha! Of course it's not. Awards food should always be served lukewarm and only vaguely identifiable. Drink should be served free and copiously. At least two people should do something mortifying that means they'll become office heroes. And at least one fight should break out. Come to think of it, that might even make the interminable Oscars more interesting.