After months of endless hype, 2016's Golden Globes were supposedly going to see Ricky Gervais go "off the chain" and once more tear down the Hollywood elite from their ivory towers.
And, yet, apparently the best he can do is call everyone in Hollywood, "pill-popping, sexual deviant scum." Ooh, so edgy. So dangerous!
This year's hosting duties were the tiresome insistence on promoting vastly diminishing returns. There's only so many times a smug British comedian can call out the smugness of Hollywood before the whole thing become a dull exercise in forced cynicism.
"Kill me," he exclaimed at one point; "This is ridiculous." And, yet, his constant jabbing at the show he himself was meant to be overseeing (and, you know, making fun for everyone), was rigidly scripted. A hollow, force echo of a bratty teenager in the backseat; disingenuous when following genuinely emotional, sweetly received speeches from the likes Taraji P. Henson and Brie Larson.
This year was dull, because Gervais made it dull; a stark contrast to thriving atmosphere of last year's festivities, as choreographed by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. That said, Gervais wasn't without a few gems amongst the dirt: so here's a countdown of his best, worst, and most offensive remarks of the night.
"I’m going to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me … snitch.”
“It’s right that NBC should host this award show. They’re the only network that’s truly fair and impartial and that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. So … nothing in it for ‘em tonight. They don’t care, obviously.”
"The Golden Globes doesn't have an In Memoriam section to get you all depressed. Instead we let the president of HFPA say a few words."
Introducing presenter Matt Damon: “He’s the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.”
“The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it it exposes that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.’”
“Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. She received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?!’”
“The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press said if I say anything offensive, or crass, or resort to innuendo, he’s going to personally come out here and ‘pull me off.’ So that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, yes, that is the level — an old man pulling me off. Again. At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.”
On the films Joy and Trainwreck. “No, not the names of Charlie Sheen’s favorite hookers. The movies of these next two presenters.”
"When Brad and Angelina see Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong they're gonna want to adopt them"
— “I’m going to be nice tonight. I’ve changed — not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can ya? Not at the same time.”
AND THE MOST UNBEARABLY AWKWARD
On introducing Mel Gibson after his takedown of the actor at the 2010 Globes: “I’m in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames…we know who Mel blames. Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it. Mel’s forgotten all about it apparently, that’s what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So: I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.” Then, as bleeped by NBC: “What the f*ck does ‘sugar t*ts’ even mean?’”
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