Scene 1. The consulting room at 221B Baker Street
Holmes (Robert Downey Jnr) in his dressing gown is injecting cocaine when Dr Watson (Jude Law) enters.
Holmes: 'Allo, Wattsy. All right?
Watson: 'Allo, Sherley. I come as fast as I could.
Holmes: No, you didn't, Wattsy. You took a hansom cab from Bayswater, got off at Oxford Street, bought an iced bun in Fullers, nipped down an alley full of road-menders' mud, 'ad a drink in the Jolly Felon and took a Jimmy Riddle all over my front door before coming up the stairs.
Watson: Bloody Norah, Sherl. 'Ow you know I done all that?
Holmes: It's elementary, you slag. I keep me peepers open. What's that bulge?
Watson: You told me to bring the old service revolver in case it was wossname. Perilous.
Holmes: Not in your bleedin' trahsers, Wattsy. Use yer noddle.
Watson: Why not?
Holmes: You don't wanna blow yer bollocks off while attempting to apprehend Sir Gobstone Baskerville an' his evil Lascar henchmen, dooyer?
Watson: Nah. (Pause.) I fackin' hate pikeys.
Holmes: Fancy some Rosie Lee? I could ring for Mrs 'Udson.
Watson: Okay. Keep schtum about the widdle on the front door, all right?
Scene 2. Baskerville Hall
Holmes (in deerstalker hat and cape) and Watson are looking for clues in the conservatory.
Holmes (with magnifying glass): Hmmm. Paw marks. Traces of phosphorus. Evidence of non-human slobber on parquet flooring. What's that suggest to you, Wattsy?
Watson: Looks like someone's done an' Halley's Comet on the Persian War.
Holmes: Must you talk in that muggy bleedin' rhymin' slang all the time?
Watson: All right. Don't get in a two-and-eight abaht it.
Holmes: But these marks on the floor.... How much you know about dogs, Wattsy?
Watson: Nifty Prince is usually good for a fiver dahn Walthamstow.
Holmes: No, you twat. I'm saying, the murders was all done by a dog.
Enter Sir Gobstone Baskerville (MarkStrong) and his scary henchman, Sawtooth Sid (Vinnie Jones.)
Baskerville: You fink you got me, dooya? You think old Basil 'Basking Shark' Baskerville is done for because some ponce in a fackin deerstalker comes snoopin' arahnd?
Sid: Shall I feed 'em to the syrup of figs, boss?
Baskerville: Syrup of figs is wigs, not pigs, you ignoramus.
Watson: I dahn want no part of this. I'm a bleedin' medickle man, an' I don't 'old with violence. (To Holmes) I'll go and find Inspector Lestrade. See yer.
Baskerville (seizing Watson's groin): Move one inch more, I'll cut your fackin' Jacobs off.
The gun in Watson's trousers goes off with a loud report. The bullet ricochets off the floor and pierces the head of a gigantic hound standing in the doorway.
Holmes: Oh, wot? Wattsy – are you brown bread?
Watson: Nah. But I'm going to need some new plates of meat....