Martin Scorsese is to produce and direct a documentary of Bill Clinton. His current production is The Wolf of Wall Street, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Will the Clinton doc be called The Wolf of Pennsylvania Avenue? It's unlikely – Scorsese calls Bill "a towering figure who remains a major voice in world issues". But wouldn't we prefer to see Clinton: The Movie, directed in Marty's characteristic style?
Scene 1. 1963. Interior. Handsome teenage Billy Clinton (Ray Liotta) plays saxophone in Hot Springs, Arkansas high-school band. His eye falls on pretty, 16-year-old Emmy-Lou Makepeace, who is jitterbugging with Eric Sleek, the oily-haired President of the Students Council. Billy's eyes narrow.
Billy (voiceover): F'rs long as Ah kin remember, Ah wanted to be a politician.
Scene 6. 1973. University of Arkansas Law Faculty classroom. The camera discloses handsome law professor Bill Clinton, 27, making out with his favourite student, Letitia-Mae (Miley Cyrus). His hand brushes her sweater, on which is pinned a campaign button with the words: "Want a thrill? Vote for Bill."
Letitia-Mae: Billy, why you wanna stand for that there House o' Representatives?
Bill: Ah wanna wash the scum off the streets, all the killers an' rapists an' druggies and thieves, I wanna pursue a fair an' democratic fiscal strategy, introduce social medicine for all, create jobs, reform th'education system and execute bad-asses in the electric chair.
Letitia-Mae: Oh Bill. You're such an ahhh-deah-list.
Bill: An' Ah hope to get more pussy than JFK.
Scene 12. 1993. The White House. The camera follows a troubled Hillary Clinton (Sharon Stone) as she walks towards a door marked "Oval Office". Inside, President Bill, in a dressing gown, bangs his head against a wall.
Hillary: Honey? Are you okay?
President Bill: …and the health care reform plan's gone to crap and they're investigatin' me about the Whitewater deal, and no-one's happy about my take on havin' queers in the military, and Ah caint seem to do nothing right.
Hillary: Never mind, honey. I think you're brilliant. And handsome. And funny.
President Bill: How'm I funny? Funny how? Like I'm some kinda clown? Like I…
Hillary: Don't start that again.
Scene 20. 1997. The White House. Al Gore bursts into the Oval Office.
Gore: Mr President, this is outrageous. I've got phones ringing off the hook from journalists saying I solicited funds for the party in the last election! Mr President?
President Bill (his eyes closed): Mmmm?
Gore: You have to stand up for me here, and say I'm innocent. Hell, a scandal like this could ruin me. Mr President? Are you listening?
President Bill (opening eyes): That will do, Miss Lewinsky. If you haven't found your contact lens by now, Ah'd abandon the search.
The head of a young intern (Jennifer Lawrence) slowly appears above the president's desk.
Scene 24. 1999. The public lavatory of the Senate House. President Bill is washing his hands. He looks in the mirror.
President Bill: Make your move, shit-head. Hah? You wanna impeach me? I don't see nobody else in here. You impeachin' me?