Smell my cheese: The best Alan Patridge quotes

Steve Coogan’s famous local radio DJ and talk show host Alan Partridge returns to our screens this week.

He will be talking for his life when radio station North Norfolk Digital comes under a potentially violent siege in feature film Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa - the premiere for which is being held tonight in Norwich.

In celebration of Alan’s verbosity, here is a selection of some of his best quotes and one-liners.

We don't fancy Alan's chances of escaping from the siege with his life...

On traffic

“That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains they 'Paved paradise to put up a parking lot', a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.”

On Britain’s Capital

“Go to London! I guarantee you'll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.”

On disability

"Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."

On scatological matters

"This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.

On drinking

"All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of...mineral water."

On grooming

"Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."

"Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack."

On the Irish

"Bucktoothed simpletons with eyebrows on their cheeks... horses running through council estates... men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings... badly tarmacced drives... in this country."

On the Irish potato famine

“If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you’re a fussy eater.”

Totally missing the point…

“’Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think ‘Sunday, bloody Sunday!’”

On being told he had been fired

“Smell my cheese.”

On breakfast (and theft)

“Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, please? So that they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.”

“I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.”

During sex with Jill

“Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest, I'm dead against it. I mean, people forget that traders need access to *DIXONS*! They do say it'll help people in *wheeeelchairs*.”

Suggest your favourite of Alan's one-liners in the comments section below