The view from the bottom of the ladder


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The Independent Culture

Hollywood appears to be continuing its recent phase of twin timing, as details of two new comedies about interns have been announced this week. Paramount's The Intern will star Tina Fey as the head of an online fashion company who appoints a senior citizen as an intern, while The Internship from Fox sees Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson share the screen as two businessmen forced into the world of unpaid work after becoming unemployed.

Having completed my fair share of internships I find it somewhat surprising that nobody has called on me to consult for either project, but in the spirit of giving freely for no immediate financial reward I'll happily share some pointers with the scriptwriters:

* The word "no" should be stricken from the script – with obsequious synonyms for "yes" flowing instead.

* Tears should flow too (but only in the privacy of a loo cubicle) when spoken to like a simpleton for the millionth time.

* Names are only for valued employees, and being addressed by superiors as you, she, he etc will suffice.

* The make-up team should add dark circles and a look of general exhaustion as interns work a second job to keep themselves going.

* Alternatively a vocal coach may be called upon to provide a plummy accent for those acting the part of being bankrolled by wealthy parents.

* Offering to make tea when you have nothing to do can later be cited as "proactive and efficient at time management".