Oscars 2015: The alternative winners, from best accessory to creepiest attendee

The achievements lauded by the Academy are all very well, but more gripping was how the stars behaved on the night. Gillian Orr hands out brickbats (and the odd bouquet)

Best accessory: Benedict Cumberbatch's hipflask

Forget Cate Blanchett's statement Tiffany turquoise necklace; with the ceremony's running time of more than four hours, surely the finest accessory of the evening was the Best Actor nominee's hipflask which he flashed to the camera during Neal Patrick Harris's opening skit. You can't blame him for wanting to be drunk; after all, the evening included a performance from Adam Levine. Great shout, Sherlock.

Creepiest attendee: John Travolta

The oddest photos from the night must surely be of John Travolta man-handling Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet. The Pulp Fiction star rubbed her stomach and showered her with kisses while she froze and looked like she was not having much fun at all. Thank goodness, then, for Jennifer Aniston and Emma Stone who provided some sweeter red carpet poses when the Friends star picked up Stone off the floor in an affectionate embrace.

Biggest tearjerker: John Legend and Common

Forget the "In Memoriam" segment of the show, the part that had most of the audience reaching for the was John Legend and Common's surprisingly emotional performance of "Glory", the track from Selma that won Best Original Song. Once it was over, the camera dived into the audience for close-ups of tear-stained faces. David Oyelowo and Oprah looked like they were attending a funeral, while Star Trek actor Chris Pine appeared to have been told his dog had just died. Brilliant.

Best (non) supporting mother: Melanie Griffiths

Walking the red carpet with her daughter, 50 Shades of Grey star Dakota Johnson, Melanie Griffiths was inevitably asked the question: had she been to see her first born child be tied up, blindfolded and whipped in the erotic hit film? "I don't think I can. I think it would be strange," said Mum. When the presenter pushes her to watch it and Griffiths still resists, Dakota reacts in the best bratty daughter way possible: with a flounce, an eye roll, and a sulky, "ALL RIGHT, you don't have to see it. GOD!" It was hard to tell if Griffiths was embarrassed, annoyed or upset, because she can't really move her face any more.

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Melanie Griffiths and Dakota Johnson (PA)

Most IDGAF guest: Anna Wintour

The Vogue editor sat through the entire ceremony without removing her sunglasses in a legendary show of disregard for the Academy. Sure, Jack Nicholson frequently wears shades to the Oscars – but he's the most nominated actor in history. Having been up for an award 12 times, he can do what he wants. Wintour works in fashion. A brave move.

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David Oyelowo: Forced to read out a terrible joke (Getty)

Best alternative to black tie: David Oyelowo

It's not much fun getting ready for the Oscars when you're a dude; it's pretty much black, black and more black. Not for Selma star David Oyelowo, however, who chose a fabulous claret Dolce and Gabbana tuxedo for the ceremony. He may have been snubbed for a Best Actor nomination, but he won in the fashion stakes.

Best ignoring of orchestra: Pawel Pawlikowski

When a winner has been babbling on too long, the dreaded orchestra starts up in a bid to get whoever-it-is off stage. It's always awkward and the violins usually win out. Until now. When Pawel Pawlikowski won Best Foreign Language Film for Ida, he raised his voice so much that the orchestra was actually forced to shut up. And they won't even usually stop for Meryl.

Most ready to do the washing up: Lady Gaga

The pop star was in attendance to perform a special 50th anniversary tribute to The Sound of Music. Earlier on, she hit the red carpet in a fairly conventional (at least for her) Azzedine Alaia gown. But it was the pair of red gloves, making her look like she was about to tackle the washing-up, that really created a buzz on the internet. Soon enough, she had been Photoshopped with brooms, Fairy Liquid, and even a toilet plunger. Maybe the newly engaged star was just trying to hide her ring?

Worst audition for new role in comedy: Neal Patrick Harris

Hopes were high for Harris after his triumphant hosting of the Tony and Emmy Awards, but after a decent start ("Tonight we honour Hollywood's best and whitest, sorry, brightest"), it was tumbleweed time. There was an ill-timed joke about a woman's dress after she had just dedicated her award to her son who committed suicide. And surely, surely, the worst gag of the evening was when he introduced Reese Witherspoon with "This next presenter is so lovely you could eat her up with her spoon." Refusing to go down alone, he also forced poor David Oyelowo to read out a terrible joke.

Most meme-friendly moment: Meryl Streep

After Patricia Arquette gave a badass acceptance speech to a room full of male power players, calling for equal pay and rights for women in America, the camera cut to Meryl Streep whooping with joy and getting all excited. It wasn't quite Angelina's leg, but it was the best from a pretty unmeme-orable night.

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