10,000 BC (12A)

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The Independent Culture

Roland Emmerich's junk epic promises an odyssey "into a mythical age of prophecies and gods, when spirits rule the land and mighty mammoths shake the earth" – which sounds like a Spinal Tap concept album but plays more like a junior and less gory version of Apocalypto.

A young hunter (Steven Strait) falls for the tribe beauty (Camilla Bell), only to see her kidnapped by a rival band of warriors. Off he goes in pursuit, braving hideous weather, winged raptors, and a slave empire that's in the middle of building a pyramid.

The bodies are buff, the teeth are perfect, and the tribesmen say "Yah" a lot – so it's just like the Stone Age. The action sequences are serviceable, though the story, accompanied by one of those "wise old man" voiceovers, ties itself in knots about legend and destiny. The "BC", incidentally, stands for Bombastic Cobblers.