DVD: Conan the Barbarian (15)

This "update" of Robert E Howard's Cimarron has loads of fighting, flexed pecs and twirling swords, but little lamentation of the women, virtually zero mythology and no Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In John Milius's 1982 film, Ahnuld was delightfully stupid-but-tough as the future-king; in Texas Chainsaw remaker Marcus Nispel's videogame blur, Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones) glowers nicely but has a touch of Zoolander about him. The plot is beyond simple: Conan wants revenge on pompous Stephen Lang for killing his dad. There's black magic (sorceress Rose McGowan) amid the CGI scenery, but the constant bloodletting is draining.