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DVD: Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief (PG)

"My father's Poseidon? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Yep, hokum. And Chris Columbus-directed hokum to boot.

Percy is a 12-year-old New Yorker with dyslexia and ADHD, who loathes his mom's brutish boyfriend ("He smells like a sewer") and struggles at school ("It's like high school without the musical"). But, it turns out, the boy's a demigod. Before you can say "Harry Potter rip-off" Percy is whizzed off to a demigod boot camp, where Pierce Brosnan's centaur tells him to "be prepared", before launching on a perilous quest – to save his mom (Catherine Keener) – with his protector (Brandon T Jackson) and the comely Alexandra Daddario in tow. Steve Coogan and Sean Bean embarrass themselves here. Rot.