Friday The 13th (18)

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Ooh, look at the date: high-fives all round for the marketing department.

This remake of the "classic" Eighties slasher serves only to highlight its timeless banality. A group of American youths go camping in Crystal Lake, and what could be less surprising than their brutal murder? Jason, the psycho killer in a hockey mask, dispatches the lot in the first 25 minutes, then another lot show up six weeks later. Two mass slaughters for the price of one, which sounds par for the course in these credit-crunched times. There's one quite funny masturbation gag – a youth has to use a homely knitting-pattern model in the absence of a girlie mag – but it's a paltry return for 90 minutes' screen time.