It's A Boy Girl Thing (12A)

You wait ages for one comedy in which a spell is cast in a museum, then two come along at once - although to call It's A Boy Girl Thing a comedy is pushing it. It's the tale of a book-loving girl (Samaire Armstrong) and a sports-loving boy (Kevin Zegers) who can't stand each other, probably because they're the two most irritating people on the planet. Their constant bickering would drive anyone to distraction, so when they trade insults on a school trip to a museum, you can't blame an Aztec idol for zapping them with a Freaky Friday-style identity swap.

It's A Boy Girl Thing is so criminally dreadful that Sharon Osbourne's acting debut isn't the worst thing about it. It's also the most genitally-fixated film I've ever seen. Most of the characters' names are double entendres, and the jokes are aimed below the belt. Maybe the producers dug up the script of a porn film and then deleted a few key scenes. Those producers, by the way, are Messrs David Furnish and Elton John, which could account for the girl's obsession with "Candle in the Wind".

The worst aspect of this crotch-level dross is that it has a 12A certificate, which means adults can take along their six-year-old children. Beware: if you relent, you'll spend the rest of the evening dodging questions about erections and Brazilian waxes.