JCVD? What's this – a sexual superbug?
A new brand of hi-fi? No, it's the comeback movie of Belgian kick-boxer Jean-Claude Van Damme. He plays himself as a fallen star returning to his native Brussels, out of luck (Steven Seagal is winning out in the scrabble for Nineties action-parts) and locked in a child-custody battle. To cap it all, he's accidentally involved in the hold-up of a post-office, during which our chastened hero steers a confusing course between self-parody and self-justification. "Van Damme needs just one thing ..." runs the tag line, "... to be himself". But does anyone still care?