Mega Piranha (15)

The tiny pause at the end of every line and the wooden reaction shots tell us where we are: B-movie hell. Actually, "B-movie" might be to flatter this cheapo horror flick about a mutant strain of giant piranhas chomping their way up the Orinoco towards the coast of Florida – as if they haven't already enough to cope with from BP.

The monster fish are about as scary as tinned tuna. Paul Logan plays one of the least Special Agents ever sent to troubleshoot, while David Labiosa as a Venezuelan colonel provides a conveniently racist baddie. "How much time till the piranhas hit their next magnitude?" asks a "scientist". The screenplay is credited to Eric Forsberg. Watch out for his work.

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