St Trinian's (12A)

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The old St Trinian's movies with Alistair Sim weren't exactly comedy classics, but they look like gold next to this feeble, sloppily written caper. Its main selling-point is the casting of Rupert Everett as the headmistress of the titular school, channeling the horsey spirit of Camilla Parker Bowles.

The rest of the cast mug and gurn their way through an anarchic, frenetic but not actually comic plot involving the schoolgirls' efforts to steal a Vermeer from the National Gallery. Colin Firth plays a dastardly schools minister, Russell Brand a dodgy dealer, while good performers go completely to waste.