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Stitches (18)

This splatter comedy aims to marry a potty-mouthed irreverence to a tale of bloody revenge, but everything about it is so cackhanded as to be nearly unwatchable. Ross Noble plays a clown whose performance at a boy's birthday party ends in humiliation and, er, his accidental death. Six years later the boy (Tommy Knight) is throwing himself another bash when from the grave rises the clown, unforgiving of the kids he blames for his demise. Noble does a cut-price Freddy Krueger, spouting bad puns amid the spurting blood, but it's hard to envisage even his fanclub being amused by this.